Dear Wonderful Widows! When Anneke was eight, a year after Mike died, I dropped her off at her Tae Kwon Do lesson and I was so relieved to have time alone that I forgot to pick her up. Forty-five minutes later as I unpacked the groceries she walked in the house having gotten a ride home from her instructor. She was incredulous and outraged. “You…
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My Valley
It’s Thursday. As I lay in my bed pondering all the emotions I’ve traveled through this week… I can’t help but smile and shake my head… Wow. Where the heck did I go this week?? And how did I get back?! Have you ever traveled through the depths of the “valley” of grief and lost recognition of who you are? I think and say things that surprise…
My Circle …
This picture is from our last vacation …. we went to Alaska in June of 2007. Jim died in December, 5 months later. I love this picture because it really “shows” us. We didn’t know it was being taken and were just enjoying some quiet time together. We held hands …. all of the time. I hate how empty my hand feels now. And this is the…
Still Looking for Signs
The weather on the day of Daniel’s funeral was spectacular. It was early November, 75 degrees and beautifully sunny. When they covered his grave, all of the funeral flowers were placed on top of it. Although the service was long over, family and friends still lingered, and no one seemed ready to leave. I know for me it was a finality I wasn’t yet…
What My Kids Have Taught Me
There is not much I wouldn’t do for my three kids. You know, jump in front of an on-coming train to save their lives, feed them first from my last ration of bread, offer myself as a meal for the hungry bear that is chasing them…pretty much anything. In the normal course of life moms feed, bathe, clothe, soothe, encourage, celebrate, hold, hug,…
Happy Easter?
Wishing someone a good day or a nice holiday weekend seems innocuous enough most of the time…but as a new widow well meant wishes from family, friends or strangers struck me like arrows. How exactly am I supposed to have a good day? Why do I care about this holiday? Have you forgotten for a moment that my husband is dead? Some days I could accept…
See You In My Dreams
Dreams take on a whole new meaning after the loss of your soul mate. They are a realm you travel to each night, with their population and surroundings always a mystery. Sometimes I have dreams in which I see my love; that smile, that face, that counterpart of my being. There have been times I’ve been able to speak with him and other times in which…
I saw him…
I saw him. Seven months after he died, I saw him. I was standing outside the Coffee Obsession, and I swear to God, I saw him. It was Mike. He was about three blocks away and talking to a lady. I couldn’t see who she was, but it looked like he was giving her directions as he pointed down the street. I stood frozen. I knew it wasn’t him. It…
The truth?
Have you ever had to lie to protect yourself? To protect what’s left of you? I thought I was ready to go back to work 3 months after David was killed. I have no particular logic as to why I thought it was time to mingle with the “others” but I assumed if I just refused eye contact I’d be OK. In my line of work, you see the same people maybe once…
The Inconsistency of Consistency ….
If there’s one thing you can count on while on this road through widowhood (and there’s not much!) ….. it’s how constantly inconsistent everything seems to be ……. especially, but not limited to, our emotions. I used to think I was crazy ….. early on the path. I mean, after the first few months of black blurriness, I started to emerge once…
Pennies from Heaven
Years ago I was walking with a friend and we came upon a dime lying on the ground. Seeming disappointed, she stooped to pick up the coin saying she thought it was a penny. When I asked why she wanted a penny, she looked up at me and said, “Don’t you know the story of pennies from heaven?” After I told her that I’d heard the phrase, but didn’t know…
Birthday Thoughts
Tomorrow is Daniel’s 39th birthday. I haven’t seen him since he was 35, and that thought surprises me in a way that seems ridiculous. I know he’s been gone three and a half years, but not seeing him since he was 35? “Inconceivable!” The passage of time is a mystery to me. There are moments when it seems like he just left, and others when it feels…