I used to love Corn Nuts. My husband Don hated Corn Nuts and used to make fun of me all the time for eating them.”What is the attraction to these things?” he would say. “Its like eating plywood.” “Yes, but it’s cheese-flavored plywood!”, I would retort as I crunched close to his face to purposely annoy him. “Jesus, could they be any louder? I…
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Untouchable
The other day, my 2 1/2 year old found one of Jeremy’s mementos – an autographed baseball still in the box. I had it in one of the boys top drawers to keep so that they might have it one day when they get older. Naturally, he wanted to play with it. He took it out of the cardboard box, unwrapped the tissue paper around it, and started throwing…
My “After” ……
….. Part 2. I arrived in NYC today ……. for the first time since taking my youngest child to college. This was the day I’ve been waiting for …… for about a year now. It didn’t totally look like I saw it happening in my head a year ago. But that’s because I have 2 of my daughters living here with me. I did NOT see that happening. At…
Download
One thing I really miss about Greg is that, when I had a rough day, he would let me download to him and he would make things OK. …and yesterday, I really needed to blurt out what an incredibly crappy day I had* and have someone tell me that it was done and that I was OK and that tomorrow was a new day.But I didn’t have anyone I could blather…
Phoenix
Last Wednesday I had a session with an amazing healer right when I thought I couldn’t go another step in this life without something major happening to lighten the pain I was experiencing in my heart and soul.I had hit a wall and wanted to be done feeling heartbroken and sorrowful, uncomfortable in my own skin and completely terrified by the…
Stay, Jump or Live
Last week I wrote about how much my husband is missing out on (I wrote about it here). The thoughts of all the things he is missing out on has been weighing heavily on my mind. I started thinking about how I am missing out on life because of grief, depression, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed, financially.. the list goes on. I decided to…
Many
“Somehow she knew that you didn’t get many moments like this in your life: moments when you knew, without any doubt, that you were alive, when you felt the air in your lungs and the wet grass beneath your feet and the cotton on your skin; moments when you were completely in the present, when neither the past nor the future mattered. She tried…
A Final House Goodbye
It’s been a long time since I cried for three straight hours. I forgot how many rolls of toilet paper I can go through per hour. (Yes, I use toilet paper instead of Kleenex. TP is more efficient, less messy and much cheaper. When you are clocking nose blows at between 2 to 3 RPH – rolls per hour – cost matters.) I also forgot how…
26 Weeks
This Saturday, I will be 26 weeks along. The last time I was 26 weeks pregnant (to the day), my husband dropped dead.Oddly enough, for all the anxiety I had about becoming pregnant, it’s been relatively normal and hasn’t caused me too much grief. Until I hit the half way mark. Ever since, my brain audibly tells me with each passing Saturday, “only…
Same Discussion ……
…… same passion. I had a discussion this past weekend that I’ve had several times before. It’s a discussion that I am so passionate about …… that it brings tears every single time it occurs. All it takes is four words. Four words that set me off quicker than most any other words can (unless they’re negative words about my children). The…
Distraction
A very wise woman (also a widow) once me that when things get really-rock-bottom-bad; find a distraction. A new distraction that doesn’t carry the weight of memories that include him. I do a range of things at 2am when the darkness creeps in. I read (always a solitary activity for me), or play endless games of solitaire and then pin things on…
Dark Shadow
Depression. It’s my dark shadow. I’ve been living with it since my late teens. Even so, it can still trick me. For the last few weeks I’ve been under its spell and up until today I didn’t realize it. Instead of seeing the depression as the REASON I feel as though everything is hopeless and life sucks, I have been thinking that I’m depressed BECAUSE…