Here’s my happy face. This smile isn’t fake, it was very sincere at that moment – I’m sure the free margaritas were enough to buy some sincerity, but I could be wrong. ;-)In the first months after Daniel died I didn’t feel like I put on a happy face. I didn’t feel capable of it. I’ve heard from others that I did and I seemed to be “okay”. Three and…
young widow
Remembering When
The word remember has taken on a new meaning since Phil died. Looking back is both painful and comforting. Sometimes recalling a specific event that I shared with Phil causes a jarring pain in my chest. These memories are often visceral…the atmosphere of a specific restaurant; the inflection of Phil’s brother’s voice; or the smell of a hotel…
The Freedom To Be
Overheard in the hotel check-in line at the San Diego Marriott…”Did you hear that there is a WIDOWS conference here in the hotel this weekend?” The unspoken next line was most likely, who would want to go to a widows conference? Ugh. And don’t we look miserable? ;)Convincing people that this weekend would not be a downer was one of the most…
Old Things
I’ve long had a fascination of things from the past…things with a history. I can rummage for hours through an antique story, thinking of the stories that lay behind each piece, and the lives that created them. I love to feel old pieces of furniture or read old postcards and then in my mind weaving a tale for those who sat on it’s cushions or…
A Thin Thread
I’ve always felt like I related to this art piece made by my sister-in-law. It reminds me of pain. Of strength. Of holding on. Of hope. Do you ever feel like you’re hanging on by the thinnest thread? I had been running on empty for a while now… feeling dry and indifferent… Feeling like I had given everything that I had to give, leaving nothing…
The Value of a Friend (continued)….
I spent this past weekend at the first ever National Conference on Widowhood, an experience I now fondly call “Camp Widow”. I watched in awe as women from around the world met each other for the first time and talked for hours like long lost friends. I’ll never say I take my friendship with Michele for granted; having a widow friend to walk…
And Life Goes On
Do you ever count the things your husband has missed since he died? Or think about the amazing things that have transpired since you last had one of those, “You will never guess what happened!” conversations with him? I sometimes catch myself marveling about the ability of the world to continue in the aftermath of death and tragedyAnd yet it does.
It’s Unimaginable
Life hasn’t turned out like I thought it would. Never in my wildest dreams would I have pictured myself standing before a room full of widows sharing with them my thoughts on finding hope in the aftermath of despair. Never. And yet here I am, and here you are, and we are here together.Unimaginable does not mean impossible. How do you apply that…
Unite
This past week Nicole (WSM) and I were both able to speak to military widows from the Vietnam era. Now we did it in different ways (mine was on the phone and hers was at the podium), but both brought us to the realization that we were overlapping two generations with one common thing, sharing our stories of love, grief and survival.The woman I…
The Value of a Friend
For lots of reasons, but likely due to the National Conference on Widowhood this weekend, I keep thinking about my friend Michele and how different my life would be without her. She once wrote that God closed the door to Phil, but by an odd twist sent her the window that opened to me. Given the choice, she’d have slammed my window for sure… :)…
Life In Yellow
So, it is Tourde France time. This may or may not mean anything to you, but in this house Tour Time is a big deal. The Tour deFrance is the granddaddy of cycling races, made famous in recent years by the athletic feats of Lance Armstrong. You will notice in any photo of me that I am wearing a bright yellow LIVESTRONG wristband. I took the…
The Ocean
I cannot think of any better example of this new chapter of mine than that of an ocean. Waves are a constant but there are days when all is calm, and then there are the days where they crash on the sand with all their power and might. So goes the same with my grief.There are moments of serene beauty. The sun rises and the sun sets and all is well,…