I cannot think of any better example of this new chapter of mine than that of an ocean. Waves are a constant but there are days when all is calm, and then there are the days where they crash on the sand with all their power and might.

So goes the same with my grief.

There are moments of serene beauty. The sun rises and the sun sets and all is well, even with the knowledge that the weather will change and along with it the current. But what is life if all we do is focus on all that is to come….the inevitable? I think there are moments where I feel I need to shield myself from the waves crashing in, as if putting on a blindfold would deter me from hearing them hit the beach….hit my heart. But as I have learned, there will be moments of pure bliss and those of pure pain. The tide will rise and the tide will fall, the water will glisten and the water will produce squalls, the ocean will be as smooth as satin and as ridged as a mountain.

Of these realizations, one thing I have decided to do when the storm comes and the water hits the beach like a rock through glass, is I will not sit in pain on the pier thinking that distance will deter me from feeling all that it brings, I will go to the edge of the ocean and let the waves crash down on me. I want to feel it soak me down and make me shiver, I want to scream at the top of my lungs as it covers all that I am, scream in victory that I have and can take it on.

I know there will always be moments that I am brought to my knees, but I want to say I felt each ounce of the weight that got me there…..and then I will stand and face a new day.

For whatever we lose (like a you or a me),
It’s always our self we find in the sea.
~e.e. cummings