It’s that time of year. The time when everything takes on a rosy glow (when you stop rushing around long enough to notice the glow….). The time of year when people smile a bit more, say nicer things to each other, and we are, for just a few days, the people we strive less successfully to be the rest of the year round: generous in thought and…
Widowed
A Wary Merry Christmas
I spent last December 22nd in the emergency room, which isn’t necessarily an unusual place for an extremely pregnant woman to be. Unfortunately, I wasn’t there to deliver a bundle of joy but rather to find the source of the unrelenting headache that had kept Chris in bed for almost two days.Within an hour of arriving at the ER, my world started…
Happy Anniversary
December 23rd will mark the four year anniversary of our love eternal. We wrote our own vows, we rocked into each other the whole ceremony, we had a moment in time where all else melted away, we sealed our devotion with a kiss.It wasn’t about the dress, venue, gifts, or cake….it was simply about our love being personified.Nearly three years of…
life without a mirror
I had a dream that I found Jeff. I was so totally overjoyed and so excited that I attempted to jump into his arms. The shock and confusion, even hostility, that he looked at me with was horrifying. He didn’t recognize me. He didn’t know me anymore.He scooped up our little ones in a tight embrace and laughed at how they’ve grown and who they are.
supposed to be
supposed to be in hawaiiwithlizthis weekend(fucking reminder popped up on my blackberry the other day to make me feel like shit).instead.i sit herethinking about nothingbut the fact thatshedied 2 months ago today.(i fucking hate the 25th now).how can i not think about it?there are too many reminders.everydayi have to look outthe picture windowin…
Coming Out on Top ….
I think I realized this week, for the first time, that I will survive this. Interesting timing, since Friday will be the 2 year deathiversary, but there ya go. I could not have said that a year ago. I didn’t want to survive it. Heck, there are still days that I don’t want to survive this, but I know I will.This grief, which is so much more than a…
Buoyancy
Buoyancy (defined) is the upward force that keeps things afloat. This force enables the object to float or at least seem lighter. “At least seem lighter…”I was thinking about Michele’s post from yesterday and this word kept sort of popping into my head. I have a number of people who help me stay afloat and I wouldn’t be here (or anywhere else for…
Widows Rock
Last week was a whirlwind of party planning, traveling, and meeting new people who have been touched by the work of Soaring Spirits…and this blog. I attended three of the four holiday events (sorry Austin, I so wanted to be there!) planned by some amazing women, and supported by fantastic sponsors from all walks of lifeI traveled up and down…
Counting
Day 42 I count …the days.I count to remind myself that I have only begun, that I am a newcomer to this kind of grief. I count the days to get me to the next one. Each time I count a day I tell myself that some day, when there are three or four numbers in that count, it will not hurt so deeply.I count the days to remind myself not to expect too…
Napping before the show….
I’m tired.I’ve miscalculated my energy for this month, which has equated to many a’naps.In the midst of the over-exertion and holiday bustle, I drained my tank with no one in sight to grab me some gas. It’s just a month of lots of everything!December 23rd will be our four year anniversary and December 27th will be my birthday…heck, and lets throw…
a place for you, my love
I’ve struggled this past year and a half to find the ‘right’ words to mark Jeff’s life and his person on a commemorative bench on the West Coast of this island, in a the small fishing village where we met, fell in love and started our life together.I needed to find something that would bring ‘him’ to life in a phrase for those who knew him and for…
six weeks ago
today was tuesday.and it sucked.started the day workingon the stuffi didn’t want to work on.rote the check for liz’sfuneral today.and mailed two copies of herdeath certificateout to some folkswho need them.also had toget something from her closet.and for the firsttime was faced withherhamper fullof dirty clothesandher wall of shoes.they…