after lunch with liz’s friends stopped at the dry cleaners. the lady behind the counter asked for the name. “logelin” she said, “oh! did she have the baby?” fuck. how did she remember liz?i’m the one who did most of the dry-cleaning runs. “yes, she had the baby.” (i hope she leaves it at that). she said, “how is liz doing?”…
Widowed
Happy Ending?
Someone recently asked me if I thought my current relationship would have a happy ending. I’m sure that person just meant to ask if I pictured being with this man from now on, but I was a bit stunned by that question and just said, “I hope so.” As soon as those words came out I instantly thought, “Of course not”.Does that sound horrible? I don’t…
Every Choice
It’s a song day. I’ve loved this song for years, and it has applied to so many different times in my life when I’ve been faced with making a choice. Since becoming a widow, the idea of choice has been a constant theme in my life. At first just choosing to get out of bed was a conscious decision. As time has passed, it has become a choice to live my…
Saying Yes
As a parent, I have often found saying NO to be easier than saying YES. Over the years I have made a conscious effort to consider the questions my kids ask me before I blurt out a negative response. Many times I realize that the reason I say NO is that I don’t want to take the time to weigh the pros and cons of the request. I will confess that…
Ezra Update
Ezra came back to me again, expressing his lack of desire to live. I called Our House where the kids and I receive grief support. I spoke with Lauren who is in charge of children’s support. She said I need to get Ezra help…. immediately.She said it’s great that he trusts me enough to express his feeling. She said it’s good that I have provided…
Our Fairy Tale
I try not to think too much on all the things we would have done, family we would have built and life together we would have lived. I try not to imagine it too much, for there is a pain associated with the what-ifs and that which we were unable to fulfill as the soul mates we are. We lived our fairy tale. Our own Disney movie.Like a knight on a…
fear of losing more
Jeff’s gone. I know that. The kids know that. But he is still such an enormous part of every day, every moment, every breath. He is thought of constantly. Cherished. Missed.We talk about him multiple times every day. To feel close to him. To ensure that my children, who were so young when their daddy died, exercise those memories so that they are…
other people’s memories
i decided to tackle a package i got from someone liz was very close to during the young part of her life in the mn. it actually arrived on saturday. i knew it was going to be a tough one so i waited.waited until i thought i could handle it. why i chose tuesday is beyond me. inside: photos from a childhood i didn’t know along with a pendant given…
It’s Not the Same ….
My life changed drastically and permanently on December 18, 2007. Nothing is the same. Nothing. I am not the same. I will never be the same. And I’m finally OK with that (I’m not so sure that everyone else is).My children are not the same. And I’m OK with that, too. I don’t have to like it, but I’m OK with it. My home doesn’t feel the same.
Joy
Meet bouncing baby boy Christopher – the newest addition to David and Leslie’s(bro and sister-in-law) family. Christopher was born yesterday (yes, for today only he can’t say “it’s not like I was born yesterday”!). I haven’t met my newest nephew yet. I intend to today and I can’t wait!Although my own days of having babies are past, it is so amazing…
Music Was Our Refuge
The epitaph on Chris’s grave marker says, “Music Was My Refuge.” It is a most appropriate way to remember a man who was a church choir director, a pianist and an organist, a community theater actor, a Norwegian Folk dancer, and a longtime patron of the opera and symphony. In the months after Chris died, I started planning a concert in his…
Ezra’s Pain
As my world stabilizes. As I look forward, instead of back As I feel the earth rooting me, it is exactly as the grief people said it will be. “Many young children hold onto their grief until the surviving parent is able to cope. And then….”…..hell breaks loose. I see them, beyond me. They have changed from “one more thing to deal with” to “how…