It’s come. The time for me to step away as a writer for Widow’s Voice and let another share their life with all of you…to heal and learn in new ways and see things from another’s view. This moment was inevitable, as the only permanence in life is impermanence (as we all know too well…hence us being here), yet I want to share a bit of what it…
Widowed Without Children
Secret Universe
The other day, I was watching the Yankee game, and the Yankees were playing at home, against the Seattle Mariners. Now, if you know anything at all about baseball or the Yankees, you might know that Robinson Cano left the Yankees at the end of last season, and signed on with the Mariners. It is complicated and has to do with contracts and…
Loss
I was stuck for ideas the other day in art class and the teacher was trying to help me brainstorm. Make it autobiographical, he said, in his cheery 20-something voice, about the movie poster I was assigned to create.Autobiographical? I thought. Huh. Yeah. I began to sort through my life events. Lost my mom (and my dad, too, if we’re talking…
Grieving for Two
After two and a half years of feeling this soul-changing, earth-shattering loss, I just realized something sort of huge. Well, I always knew it, but I just stopped and actually thought about it, and now I am able to put it into words. It is this: I grieve on behalf of my husband more than I grieve for my husband. I hope that makes sense. I…
Birthday
Friday was Dave’s birthday. He would’ve been 41. I met him nearly 20 years ago. These three facts feel impossible. The day I met him feels like yesterday. I will always think of him as the 23 year old I first met. And his birthday keeps showing up to remind me that I’ll soon be older than he ever got to be. He was a sweet, chubby baby. His aunt…
My Home
I live in a wonderful city now. I’ve become more and more comfortable here. I like the weirdness, the outdoorsy-ness, the coffee shops, the rampant recycling and composting and organic gardening. I like the dogs and the green of the woods and the mist hanging in the west hills. I like the bridges and the dragon boats on the river. I like the…
Terrible Relief
Kelley’s post got me thinking. My knee jerk reaction was: what’s wrong with me that I parted with my wedding ring months after Dave died? What’s wrong with me that I don’t long to wear it? How did I let go of that ring? I measured the devotion I had by the way I dealt with my grief. Never helpful. Everyone grieves differently. For a moment I…
Turning Pain into Love
In 2012, when his death was so fresh, I needed to talk. About the pain, the fear, the agony, the anger, the loss, the accident, the future we will not have, the children we won’t raise, the wedding we won’t share… all of it. I wanted to crawl out of my skin with all the pain. I talked and cried almost every single day to someone about my pain. I…
Hope
Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent. ~Mignon McLaughlin It’s a new year and, with that, I’d like to rewind to the beginning years of Michael’s death. I dreaded a new year. One in which he hadn’t lived. He hadn’t existed. A year in which I couldn’t even refer to the year before of him being…
Goodbyes
“I hate goodbyes” Every time Dave and I would say goodbye for more than a day or so, we’d reenact this scene from Dumb and Dumber. I’m in the disorienting world of goodbyes again as I navigate the end to the first real relationship I’ve attempted since Dave died. Fortunately I have the most amazing friends who have helped keep me afloat but the…
I Am Alone. I Am With You.
Here is a riddle: What is more sad? Going to the movies alone, or going to the movies with a group of friends, who barely speak to each other or acknowledge each other’s existence? This past weekend, I really wanted to see Gravity. So I went alone. Going to the movies, or anywhere really, by myself, is not a big deal to me. When I was married,…
Safe Place
After Dave died and the shock wore off, the big world became a scarier place. If he could be snatched away, what else could? If I stay close to home, says this fear-logic, I can somehow make sure the last remnants of that life won’t disappear too. My cats will be safe, my home will be intact and no one can hurt me more than I’ve already been…