Long Canyon Trail, in my hometown of Simi Valley, is one of my favorite places. This beautiful dirt road has been pounded by my feet on many a run. It is also the place where Phil and I most often rode our mountain bikes, went for evening runs, took the kids for night hikes looking for frogs, and did many a “double workout” on the steep hills that…
Widowed Suddenly
My Wedding Ring
I confess… I am an American Idol fan. I know, I know, but I love the show. So, for those of you who don’t watch, this year in the finals there is a young widower named Danny Goeke. As the season has progressed I have watched Danny with interest as he grows as an artist, and I can sometimes imagine that I see him processing his grief.In the early…
La Vie en Rose
It’s just one of those days, where the sun can’t shine enough to get me out of this funk. One of those days where my bed held me hostage, and I didn’t mind. One of those days where I don’t feel like doing much, and you know what…………… I’m totally ok with that!I’ve learned that at first I dreaded these days, they were a reminder that not…
My Valley
It’s Thursday. As I lay in my bed pondering all the emotions I’ve traveled through this week… I can’t help but smile and shake my head… Wow. Where the heck did I go this week?? And how did I get back?! Have you ever traveled through the depths of the “valley” of grief and lost recognition of who you are? I think and say things that surprise…
My Circle …
This picture is from our last vacation …. we went to Alaska in June of 2007. Jim died in December, 5 months later. I love this picture because it really “shows” us. We didn’t know it was being taken and were just enjoying some quiet time together. We held hands …. all of the time. I hate how empty my hand feels now. And this is the…
What My Kids Have Taught Me
There is not much I wouldn’t do for my three kids. You know, jump in front of an on-coming train to save their lives, feed them first from my last ration of bread, offer myself as a meal for the hungry bear that is chasing them…pretty much anything. In the normal course of life moms feed, bathe, clothe, soothe, encourage, celebrate, hold, hug,…
Happy Easter?
Wishing someone a good day or a nice holiday weekend seems innocuous enough most of the time…but as a new widow well meant wishes from family, friends or strangers struck me like arrows. How exactly am I supposed to have a good day? Why do I care about this holiday? Have you forgotten for a moment that my husband is dead? Some days I could accept…
The Inconsistency of Consistency ….
If there’s one thing you can count on while on this road through widowhood (and there’s not much!) ….. it’s how constantly inconsistent everything seems to be ……. especially, but not limited to, our emotions. I used to think I was crazy ….. early on the path. I mean, after the first few months of black blurriness, I started to emerge once…
Pennies from Heaven
Years ago I was walking with a friend and we came upon a dime lying on the ground. Seeming disappointed, she stooped to pick up the coin saying she thought it was a penny. When I asked why she wanted a penny, she looked up at me and said, “Don’t you know the story of pennies from heaven?” After I told her that I’d heard the phrase, but didn’t know…
Sorry to Meet You ….
…. ummmm, what? Doesn’t that sound a bit rude? SORRY to meet you? Well, one would assume that the above statement is very rude indeed …… if one is a person who is not reading this blog because they are not on this “path”. For the women (and men) who read this blog because you are on this path, I am very, very sorry to meet you.Let me…
Stronger than Death
I woke up the morning of January 8th, 2008 elated to be alive! I guess you can say David and I grew up together. We met when we were 12 years old. My soulmate. I’ve held only his strong hands, kissed only his beautiful lips, and slept next to only his gorgeous body. My husband always said I was a “happy” morning person and that morning was no…
Sunshine
There have been many days since Phil’s death that I was sure the sun could not possibly be shining…how dare that orb glow as if the world were right?! And then there have been other days when, unbelievably, that sun shone right on my head in the form of a blessing that was all the sweeter due to my familiarity with loss.Meet my nephew, Miles. He…