I remember when I was able to trust with everything in me. Trust God. Have faith. I knew I was blessed… Our lives were difficult, yes, but it was good. When the rug was pulled from under me I wasn’t sure if I was going to ever reach that place again. The place where faith was second nature and trusting was never a question. David and I used to…
Widowed Suddenly
Aching
This morning was the first day of school for my boys. I went to work very early; then planned to get back in time to make them breakfast and make sure they were set for the day. As I was driving home from work, I started to feel it. The dull ache. The one that began on the first day of school four years ago.That day was much like today. I went to…
My Love of Headstones
I used to be afraid of cemeteries. Well, not exactly afraid, but I thought they were creepy. Walking around a place that held lots of dead bodies made me nervous. I would step gingerly around the headstones, being careful not to tread anywhere I thought a person might be laid to rest, and wondering how far out I needed to step to avoid the entire…
There Are No Words
There have been many times since Phil’s death that words have escaped me. When asked how I was in the early days my answer was often a dumbfounded stare. What words could be used to describe the pain that was ripping through my body at that moment? A client of mine once asked, “Do you just miss him like crazy?” I was so relieved to be asked a…
Songs
Songs. From the time Michael was killed I remember leaning on music and songs to help speak the words I was feeling, and in a way, let my self realize the reality in front of me. Sara McLachlan’s “Angel” or ” I Will Remember You” Goo Goo Doll’s “Iris”. James Blunt’s “Goodbye My Lover”….. and the list goes on. All were songs I played on repeat in…
The Road Less Traveled.
I had no clue what to blog about today. I’ve been processing many things the past few weeks… but no idea how to begin expressing any of it in words. This quote was read to me this morning… (thanks, WSM!) and I believe it helped me sum up my findings: “All of life is a journey. Which paths we take, what we look back on, and what we look…
Counting the Months
When Jim and I were PK (pre-kids) we used to laugh at parents who gave their children’s ages in weeks or months. Jim thought it was ridiculous that a person would say “8 weeks” instead of 2 1/2 months …. or better yet …. why not just round it down or up to 2 or 3 months. And then …. there were the parents who’d say a child was 20 months. We’d…
Good Enough?
One of the most amazing things about having a widow friend to share this bumpy road with is that I always have someone with whom to discuss the daily questions of life. One issue that has occupied Michelle and I (pictured here right after the Widow Dash in San Diego) is the concept of good enough. When you feel that life has already given you an…
I Honk For Love
I love LOVE. I love how it makes a person feel. I love the glow that quietly shows itself in the scrunch of your eyes or smile on one’s mouth. I love the feeling of invincibility that it instills in those who are in its grasp. And more than anything, I love when it is 100 percent, Grade A, TRUE LOVE. The kind that has no doubts or questions, the…
Wanting
David is my best friend. And I say is because he’s still the one person that knows everything about me – good and bad. He’s still the one person I want to call when things go wrong, the one person I want to get advice from when I have decisions to make, and the one person I want a hug from when my heart is heavy. This week I really needed my best…
Starting Over
Have you ever had the urge to just get in your car one day and drive as far away as you could, leaving everyone and everything behind? Just start over where no one knows you? Where no one …… KNEW you? I’m guessing that many of you have because of all you’ve gone through. I’m wondering if anyone has actually done it.That’s the kind of week I’m…
Willing To Jump
This photo was taken at Lake Mead in Nevada about two weeks before Phil died. We were on a family vacation with some wonderful friends, and spent some time in a gorgeous cove. You are looking at Phil and my daughter, Caitlin, preparing to jump off of those rocks into the lake below. Notice that I am not up on the rocks.Phil was Mr. Adventure. He…