After three-and-a-half years, I can cope with most days. Some days are sad. Some days are just part of the grey melange I seem to be constantly wading through. Some days are good (not great – nothing is great). And some days I am Just Furious. But I don’t know where to direct this fury…I am furious that my life is not what I worked so hard…
Widowed Suddenly
Rent-A-Human
I am nowhere near ready to start “dating” again, or “getting myself out there” again, or fall in love again. I am still madly and deeply in love with my dead husband, and I am just not in that place where it feels right to invite someone new into this life with me. Not now. Not yet. I don’t know when. However, there is something that I do want.
My Best Friend Got Married
Michele is filling in for Michelle D. today…who is currently lounging in St. John….My best friend, and fellow widow, is now married.The readers here have a unique view of this new marriage, because the majority of us have outlived a spouse. We KNOW how it feels to be “parted” from our loved one by death. I’d wager that many of us said the word…
2012
Holy smokes, Batman. 2000 freakin’ 12. I don’t quite know how to simply describe 2011 or simply describe what I hope 2012 to be.I feel I’ve excelled. I feel I’ve failed. I feel I’ve laughed more. I feel I’ve been disappointed more. I feel I’ve grown. I feel I’ve shrunk. I feel I’ve exceeded my expectations. I feel like I haven’t done enough. I…
Aging Gratefully
Today is my birthday. I am 42 years old, three years older than Phil was when he died six years ago (crazy to think he would be 46 right now!). My first birthday without him I remember wishing time could just stand still. I didn’t want to age without him;I didn’t want to celebrate being alive with birthday songs and presents; and I didn’t want to…
Is It Just Me ….
…. or does anyone else ever feel like moving away and starting over? From everyone that knew them “before” …. and from all of those friends who can’t seem to see you as anything but “different” ….. and it all seems to get worse as time goes on? I have now passed the 4 year mark. This is my life. I am no longer married. I am single. I get…
Speaking to the Ghost of Christmas Past
The day Phil died, my world was irrevocably changed. No amount of crying, wishing, or begging could switch my new reality back to the reality of what seems like only moments ago. The first Christmas without him, I sat on the coach alone watching the kids open gifts that only I chose, purchased, wrapped, and stowed under the tree…barely able to…
A Date By Any Other Name ….
(Post pre-explanation & warning: I wrote this post for my personal blog …. on Sunday, the 18th, the 4th year date of Jim’s death. This date, this year, was no easier for me than the previous 3. I still cried. I still wished that I were the one who was not left behind. I am still crying, and I think I may forever be wishing. And yet…
With You
I’m stubborn. I’m sarcastic. I say things like I see them. I bottle up my emotions. I’m a fireball. He was laid back. He laughed at my sarcasm. He’d correct me when I was wrong. He made me express my emotions. He cooled me down when things got hot. Michael was most definitely not the same as me. He was the opposite. He was perfect for someone like…
why Christmas concerts suck
I have been working really hard at being upbeat and positive this Christmas. I consciously remind myself of the wonderful things in my life – amazing kids, great friends, a rewarding job, an amazing community, etc. I don’t want to whine. I certainly don’t wish to have others internally groan and roll their eyes if I talk about how lame the holidays…
How Can I Ensure That December ….
…. is a month to remember? Truth be told, it wasn’t all that difficult. All I did was agree to have surgery today. And then, to make it even MORE memorable …. I agreed to have my middle son’s wisdom teeth extracted. Today. Yes, as in …. today, the 14th of December ….. both procedures. I guess that’s one way to ring in the “death day” of my…
Fairy Tales
Michael’s my prince charming. He saved me from the poisoned apple, kissed me out of an eternal sleep, slayed the dragon, and swept me up into his safe arms. And as soon as I was swept up, I felt like he was pulled away from me. But, I still believe in fairy tales. It has been through my fellow widows; their stories, pictures, memories and…