I am strong. I am brave. I am a survivor. I am usually empathetic and kind. But…… Sometimes I’m an angry whiner. I wallow in my self-pity and the life that I now exist in. I realize that life is a gift and that we must be grateful for the amount of time we spend with our loved ones and upon this Earth…..But there are times I can’t help…
Widowed Emotions
for madeline.
on saturday some of the most important people in our lives will be with us as we celebrate maddy’s third birthday. again. (yeah, maddy’s birthday sort of runs from her actual birthdate of march 24th to her estimated due date of mid may). she and her friends will be beating a piñata, eating cupcakes, and throwing things around our backyard…
Sex, Sensuality and Sadness
Sex. I’ve been thinking about it lately. And I really miss it. I miss the animal-ness of having another sweaty body pressed down against mine, the sounds, the smell. I miss being openly desired, I miss teasing, I miss all the foreplay that comes before. I miss being sexy. I miss being a sensual woman. And I find myself unsure if I even know how…
Disappointment
I received an email from a friend today. She decided that she needed to be direct with me about the status of our friendship. She said that she doesn’t know how to be in a friendship with me anymore, and that she has felt this way ever since Michael died. She feels like any pain, loss, disappointment or loneliness that she has experienced in her…
Ugly and Forgiveness
This is post from March 26, 2010 I’ve been going back to find myself, to ground this experience, to find a way to mark the growth, the good changes and all the challenges I have overcome. I’m been going back to find courage. This is what the post said. ——-“He’s in our thoughts and prayers.” “We are sending a blanket of love.” Those…
rerecord
Sometimes this whole ‘widow’ thing gets old. Like the chorus of an unhappy song that gets stuck in your head and keeps you awake. Over and over the words repeat singing those same lines again and again. You try to not pay attention. Try to forget the words. Try to listen to a new song. But your little brain has it so deeply embedded it can’t be…
Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go Back in the Water …..
… another wave comes and smacks you from behind ….. I love the ocean. Always have. Jim did, too. We were a “beach family”. Loved taking vacations to a beach …. any beach. Even the one in Galveston ….. where the word “beach” has a whole different definition. But hey, when it’s the only beach you have within an hour’s drive or so,…
Even If The Shoe Doesn’t Fit, Try Wearing It.
Talk about having some big shoes to fill. Or in my case, some tall stilettos. I am very gracious, and honored, that Michele has given me this opportunity to share with you on a weekly basis. I know that many of you looked forward to reading her words, or taking inspiration, from her journey. Yet, I do understand her decision to modify her course…
A Real Kiss
I remember the moment like the sound of his heart. We sat facing the glass window panes in between gate 15 and 17. The looming knowledge that in a few passing moments a stranger would come over the intercom to separate us once again led us to focus on anything, but the reality awaiting him and I. The distraction was SkyChef loading food onto a…
3 years
This morning will mark three years since I’ve held your warm hand. Heard your snores. Felt safe knowing I was yours. My life doesn’t stop today as it did three years ago….although I partially wish it would. There are appointments to be attended, childcare to sort out and errands to run.I’d like to lay in my bed and think of only you. To keen…
That Other Shoe
Pictures of me in my current state of happiness make me nervous. I look at this photo with a sense of wonder at the fact that my smile looks genuine. The empty look that has shadowed my features for years appears to have faded. I am tempted to compare this photo to one of my “before” photos to see if I can tell the difference between these versions…
Irony ….
…. is a funny thing. Sometimes. Other times …. not so much. This was Jim’s favorite picture frame with one of his favorite pictures of our children. It was taken about 13 years ago, around the same time I gave him the frame. Meaning, in “my time”, about 10 years …. “before”. He loved the verses on it from the Robert Frost poem,…