Musical Tuesday for me. I went to the Indigo Girls concert this weekend. I loved them in college and it was such fun to see them so many years later. My sister-in-law Leslie and I went and were not disappointed. It was a fantastic show. They closed it out with one of my favorite songs “Closer to Fine”.I’m trying to tell you something about my life…
Widowed by Illness
Stumbling
I stumble upon his stuff. His filled wallet, his watch , 4 sets of contact lenses, his favorite pair of running/bicycling glasses, a book marked where he meant to begin again, a note with his handwriting, I pick up each one when I find it.I examine it, turning it in my hand and then I smell. Hoping for a trace of him. Gratefully, there is none. Too…
When It’s Quiet
I took a drive last night with the top down. Driving 70 I couldn’t hear anything but the wind and engine. The effect was therapeutic in a white noise way. I emptied my mind and just drifted for a few minutes. What I found there in the roar of the wind was a little piece of myself. I had some “deep thoughts” for a few miles and found that I need…
Men
I love men. I love their arms, their legs (athletic ones). I love the way they smile when they like me.I love the way their hand touches, attentively, the small of my back, as they usher me through a door of a restaurant to a car, out of some kind of “danger.” I like kissing them too. Yes, I said THEM. I like how their breath feels on my face. Or…
Thanks for Being You
Grayson and I had a great day on Sunday. A relaxing morning of pancakes and hanging out around the house, followed by a crawfish boil and dinner at my mom’s. As I tucked him in for the night, I hugged him tight and said the words: “thank you for being you”. He asked me what I meant and I told him how much I love him for being just the way he is and…
Card Carrying Member
I have one and I use it. I do. When I’m tired, overwhelmed, or just feel like giving the moaning, complaining-about-their-cellulite-people around me a wake-up call. I work it into a conversation and I slap it down.Then stand back watching with internal glee (most of the time) as others stumble, fall over themselves, or stifle all objections. I love…
Uncomfortable
It’s been four and a half years. I have lived 1, 650 days without Daniel Dippel’s voice in my ears, his hand in mine, his presence at my side. I have bought and moved to two different houses and owned two cars he’s never seen. My child has grown 20 inches and advanced 4 grades. I have wrinkles I never dreamed of and traveled to places he’d only…
Happy Mother’s Day?
Since Day 365 I have been haunted by Art. It’s like making it to that day I somehow expected that he’d show up at the door and yell “Just Kidding!” …at which point I would beat him to a pulp and then cover every bloody inch of him with kisses. After Day 367 that fact that he’s not coming back is more real, almost tangible. And it makes…
No Evil?
I’ve had the “get out of jail free card” conversation with more than one friend and more than one fellow widow….I mean really, after all we’ve been through, don’t we deserve a “get out of jail free card?” I think I’ve cried enough, felt dark enough, and struggled enough for an entire lifetime.I’m sure that the fates would not agree with me. The…
Avoiding
I’m avoiding… my bedroom, my pillow, my scrumptious flannel sheets (it’s been cold in LA) cause he’s in there, waiting for me and I don’t want to see him feel his emptiness, be held only by his memory.So I’m up. It’s one am. I will sleep less than 4 hours tonight and tomorrow I will continue running, avoiding, ducking, and running some more,…
Survivors
Relay for Life was this past weekend. This is our 5th year as “Team Dippel” and we’ve got it down to a smoothly orchestrated event. The usual suspects attended and we had a great time walking the track, eating unhealthy snacks, and spending some quality time together.Grayson felt it more intensely this time, recognizing the meaning of the event in…
Everybody Needs Somebody
I was listening to a song this weekend and for some reason I heard a loud message in it that I’ve not heard before. For whatever reason I felt like Daniel was trying to tell me something. Still trying to figure it out, but thought I’d share it here.So here you are now, nowhere to turn It’s just the same old yesterday. You made a promise to yourself…