Sometimes I wish he had died instantly. Here one moment, gone the next. My friend, whose husband did die instantly, wishes she had a chance to say good-bye like I did.Only, I’m still not convinced that he heard Langston as Langston took Art’s arm and wrapped it around himself and clung to it like a protective shield. I don’t think he heard…
Widowed by Illness
Relapse
Another countdown. 40. Six months ago I celebrated 40. Next week would be Daniel’s 40th. He only made it to 35, and now he’d be 40. Shit. Amazingly enough, I think his birthday is harder for me than my own was. Mine sucked in it’s own special way, but this is different. I’m actually 40. I’m aging. I’m alive. He’s not 40. He’s not aging. He’s not…
Ugly
“He’s in our thoughts and prayers.” “We are sending a blanket of love.” Those are words I read today about a boy, who like Art is battling his second round of cancer.He’s doing a better job than Art did and I’m NOT doing a better job at begin gracious. Instead, when I read those words of love And support Ms. Cynic thinks “Save your…
If Every Second Counts on a Clock That’s Ticking
It’s a musical Tuesday. This is one that keeps getting stuck in my head, and the meaning of the words isn’t lost on me. I’m sure most of us get it. The question that still remains is this: “what will I do with this knowledge?” I didn’t want to understand this. I’d have rather lived to be much older without the dark knowledge of the shortness of our…
A Broken Plate
My husband doesn’t want to go.” “Huh! I don’t think mine will either!” a woman giggles. I smile, listening. wanting to smack them across their whiny, made-up faces which happen to be attached to well-dressed bodies,wanting to complain about MY husband, wanting to scream at the top of my lungs… “I want to belong to this group…
Spring Break!
I should be sitting in one of these chairs this week, it’s spring break. I’m not, but my little guy will be heading to the beach with my parents tomorrow and he’s looking forward to the trip. I am guiltily looking forward to three days on my own. As an only parent I get very few opportunities to do “me things” without having to ask someone’s help…
Skipping Out
You have cataracts.” my eye doctor declares. “I what?” You have cataracts, she says, this time a little more slowly since I obviously don’t understand her the first time. “But I’m 45 years old” I think.Out loud I say, “Aren’t I a bit young?” She says “Yes but it was probably bought on by the low dose steroids you’ve been on for years due to your…
In it for the Long Haul
For the longest time the question that haunted me was: “why him, why not me?” – for a while, the question was more often “why not take me too?”. Michele and I used to talk about the big black ship that would come pick us up and carry us away to wherever Phil and Daniel were. I told myself I’d jump on that boat and race away without a second…
Sweet?
I remember a time not too long ago when I couldn’t taste anything, couldn’t notice the sunshine, couldn’t appreciate the beauty in anything. Getting out of bed and making it through the day was all I could handle. As time passed, I noticed a beautiful day – the first gorgeous day I noticed was ruined by a crying fit (how could it be this beautiful…
Survival
So whether we wanted to or not, it appears that we have survived another date night holiday! Welcome to the other side people – only 363 more days until Valentine’s Day! 😉 This was number 5 for me as a widow. Easier by far, but still – melancholy. Valentine’s Day was my first date with my husband. He was a dashing 16 year old boy who came to my…
Every Choice
It’s a song day. I’ve loved this song for years, and it has applied to so many different times in my life when I’ve been faced with making a choice. Since becoming a widow, the idea of choice has been a constant theme in my life. At first just choosing to get out of bed was a conscious decision. As time has passed, it has become a choice to live my…
Music Was Our Refuge
The epitaph on Chris’s grave marker says, “Music Was My Refuge.” It is a most appropriate way to remember a man who was a church choir director, a pianist and an organist, a community theater actor, a Norwegian Folk dancer, and a longtime patron of the opera and symphony. In the months after Chris died, I started planning a concert in his…