I’d like to get on the boat above and sail off into the sunset to a place where I am responsible for nothing and no one needs me. Ever. For anything. Sometimes the pressure of being the “only parent” feels so intense I can hardly bear it. All decisions are made by me, all responsibility is born by me. I have no partner to lean on when I’ve had too…
Widowed by Illness
Ours to Mine
Our wedding rings are no more. His was so huge. My 6’6″ husband had fingers that matched his size.When he died, I removed his ring and put it into the ring box that I kept my diamond in. I don’t remember when I took off my wedding bands. Long enough so that wearing a ring on my “wedding” finger feels odd. I needed something that would represent us,…
Time Flies
Last week was the first week of school. Grayson started the 5th grade and is currently enjoying his “senior” status on the elementary school campus. As usual we had our first day ritual, a leisurely breakfast followed by a whirlwind final check of the backpack and self-conscious wardrobe review to check for “coolness”. Last year we walked to…
Acts Of Faith
Friday, August 27th I put Langston and Pallas on a bus today to attend Camp Erin, a weekend camp for grieving kids. I drive away before the bus does. And on the 10 heading west, in traffic (thankfully) I cry. Putting them on a bus is…an Act of Faith. Faith that they will come back to me. Faith that I will not have to go and identify their crushed…
Fear is powerful
Fear is the voice in your head that tells you things are impossible, the doubts that creep into your mind when you’re up late and the kids are asleep, the voice that tells you that hope is for patsies. Fear is not an emotion that I experience very often. It’s not in my make-up. Call it ignorance, call it bravado, there isn’t much that makes me…
Other People’s Grief
I’m back east with my family; one of my sister’s, her husband and kids, my mom and her husband (both widows) and my aunt and uncle. Cousins, another aunt, a step sister and her husband will arrive tomorrow. Tonight I saw it on them. In their eyes. In the way they looked at me.I saw their grief. Other people dealing with the loss of…. my…
Self-Care
In one of the last emails Daniel sent to me before he died, he asked me to please make sure that while I was trying to take care of him and take care of Grayson too, that I also take care of myself. He made the statement that I was the last line of defense for our family and that for all of our sakes I needed to be well-cared for and strong. At the…
Before or After?
Did Art die before or after Pallas hit five feet? Did he die before I bought the new underwear or after? Was he alive when Google offered that new earth maps feature? Was I friends with her before or after Art died? Was he alive when Langton said __________ or Ezra did ______?Before or after? This is the new question I’ve been asking lately. And…
Together at Last!
I hadn’t really thought about it until Friday night, but at the Camp Widow welcome reception, it was decided we needed to get a photo of all of the widow’s voice bloggers. It occurred to me then that we’d never all been in the same place physically. Emotionally we are here on the blog daily. Physically? We’re spread across the country. The actual…
Grief-in-Action
I’m here at Camp Widow in San Diego. I videotaped the room full of us widows clapping. And now that I am trying to post it, I’m not sure it’s working. Frustration is on my shoulders, my wrinkled brow and scrunched up eyes. After an hour of searching and trying solutions, I don’t know if any of them will work and I feel defeated and completely…
My Widow Match Friend
When Michele and I first met, we were each about 4ish months into the process of widowhood. We connected instantly via email, and eventually became phone friends, only to move onto being a daily touchstone in each other’s lives. We are separated by thousands of miles, but manage to connect in person at least 3 or 4 times a year. We were 36 went we…
Contentment
On vacation with the kids in Ixtapa, Mexico. My financial struggle having just ended. Not sure what to write about it. After all the months, (years really) After ALL these months of anger, sadness, resentment, hopelessness, joy, surprise, discovery, light, regret and hope, I find myself at odds with ……dare I call it, contentment.I’m not sure.