Grayson and I had a great day on Sunday. A relaxing morning of pancakes and hanging out around the house, followed by a crawfish boil and dinner at my mom’s. As I tucked him in for the night, I hugged him tight and said the words: “thank you for being you”. He asked me what I meant and I told him how much I love him for being just the way he is and…
Widowed by Illness
Card Carrying Member
I have one and I use it. I do. When I’m tired, overwhelmed, or just feel like giving the moaning, complaining-about-their-cellulite-people around me a wake-up call. I work it into a conversation and I slap it down.Then stand back watching with internal glee (most of the time) as others stumble, fall over themselves, or stifle all objections. I love…
Uncomfortable
It’s been four and a half years. I have lived 1, 650 days without Daniel Dippel’s voice in my ears, his hand in mine, his presence at my side. I have bought and moved to two different houses and owned two cars he’s never seen. My child has grown 20 inches and advanced 4 grades. I have wrinkles I never dreamed of and traveled to places he’d only…
Happy Mother’s Day?
Since Day 365 I have been haunted by Art. It’s like making it to that day I somehow expected that he’d show up at the door and yell “Just Kidding!” …at which point I would beat him to a pulp and then cover every bloody inch of him with kisses. After Day 367 that fact that he’s not coming back is more real, almost tangible. And it makes…
No Evil?
I’ve had the “get out of jail free card” conversation with more than one friend and more than one fellow widow….I mean really, after all we’ve been through, don’t we deserve a “get out of jail free card?” I think I’ve cried enough, felt dark enough, and struggled enough for an entire lifetime.I’m sure that the fates would not agree with me. The…
Avoiding
I’m avoiding… my bedroom, my pillow, my scrumptious flannel sheets (it’s been cold in LA) cause he’s in there, waiting for me and I don’t want to see him feel his emptiness, be held only by his memory.So I’m up. It’s one am. I will sleep less than 4 hours tonight and tomorrow I will continue running, avoiding, ducking, and running some more,…
Survivors
Relay for Life was this past weekend. This is our 5th year as “Team Dippel” and we’ve got it down to a smoothly orchestrated event. The usual suspects attended and we had a great time walking the track, eating unhealthy snacks, and spending some quality time together.Grayson felt it more intensely this time, recognizing the meaning of the event in…
Everybody Needs Somebody
I was listening to a song this weekend and for some reason I heard a loud message in it that I’ve not heard before. For whatever reason I felt like Daniel was trying to tell me something. Still trying to figure it out, but thought I’d share it here.So here you are now, nowhere to turn It’s just the same old yesterday. You made a promise to yourself…
Day 365
Todaywasabeautiful day.I amhere.At day 365 not just standing but rooted grateful and joyful to take the next breath. The grief is not gone. Do not be fooled. It will lurk within me surface at unforgettable moments until I draw my last breath. But today T-O-D-A-Y I am grateful to Art. Grateful for the life we had together and grateful for all those…
Time to Be
I had some time this weekend – me time. Me and Michele time if I’m completely truthful, but it was me time just the same. A couple of days with no cares in the world. This weekend it all came together. A sudden realization that the opportunity was there and so was the free airline ticket. The last minute recruitment of a fabulous Grandma to take…
I’m OK?
Today looked like this…. I got up. I laughed before the big toe of my left foot hit the floor. I left at 8:15 for an 8:30 class that was a 20 minute drive away. I drove giggling…my lateness, some things never change.I didn’t know anyone in the class. I didn’t feel like knowing anyone from the class. At the class, I didn’t eat the granola bar,…
Forty Years Ago Today
Forty years ago today you were born. I think angels must have been singing (or at least giggling) when they bestowed that gift on your parents. If only they’d known what trouble you would get into…they might have been better prepared! :)You: cracked open your brother’s head with a hoe (earned him a few stitches), pinched the dog’s nose with a…