The day after this posts, February 17th 2017, will be four years since my husband Mike died, suddenly, from a heart attack in his sleep at the age of 59. I’ve been watching that date approach for too long this year. Dreading it. Not just for the pain of the day, but because four years sounds so awfully long to have been without him. I am four years…

This particular blog will be short and sweet, and I know that all of you understand.  It’s night on Valentine’s Day and I’ve spent the past two days determinedly making Love bigger than grief, delivering joy in colorful bouquets of flowers. I took on a job with a local florist, appropriately named Fairytale Florals, just for this day. I knew…

As I pulled into the parking lot to meet Sarah, a bit of anxiety crept into my chest.  I wasn’t positive that we would be taken seriously, or that my feelings were valid in any way.  I felt like all of my past, and the stress that I had was absolutely my fault.  It was as if I alone was the root cause of any problems in my life, and thusly, I…

I wish it were simple.  It should be simple.  Why can’t it just be simple?  The grieving part, the part where you are in emotional and sometimes physical pain 24/7 – that part is already hard enough. It’s downright impossible most days. So when you finally leave that part, and you come into this shift of something different, something else -…

I just got home from a weekend in New York City and I am still vibrating from the energy.When I was married to Mike, it was his energy that vibrated through my being. Now that he is gone, am I just substituting? Maybe. But…before I met him, I remember thriving on the energy of Los Angeles…before that, DC, Georgetown…being around a diverse…

How often does it strike right through you that you maybe, just possibly, will not survive this? This being the loneliness, the grief, the sadness, the confusion, the not knowing, the uncertainty, the anxiety, the desolation of living without your person? At times it hits me that I have now lived 1387 days +21 hours without Chuck. That’s 45 and a…

Around two weeks before John passed away we went together as a family to look at a new child care, closer to home to enrol my daughter Layla in. At the time she was attending a home childcare that had become like a family to her but they were over half an hour drive away from where we lived and where I work. We had decided to enrol her to begin the…

I am feeling down about myself. Every now and then I get this way. I absolutely HATE it when I get this way. There is nothing attractive or appealing about being or feeling this way. It is desperate. It’s pathetic. I fall into this place where I am searching and looking to feel pretty again, sexy again, wanted again. At this point, I would settle…

When does this change?  The missing-ness?  Does the emptiness ever fill up?   I know that there are no solid answers for my questions but they invade my brain during my days and in the middle of the night. Sleeping with my arms wrapped around a soft pillow, trying to find some comfort in the feel of something, anything, pressed to my body. Does…