Much of our adult lives are about unbecoming. Widowhood is very much about unbecoming. And, like any struggle to unbecome, it can be torturous. It is torturous. For me, at least. For many of us, I’m sure. But…unbecoming. I recognize that I must unbecome who I was. I was Chuck D’s wife. And oh, how I loved being his wife! Unbecoming…
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Runner Up
It finally happen, he said it. I have been seeing someone for 5 months now. And we are happy. He makes me happy. And is good to me and the kids. And after 5 months he said it. He will always feel like second place. My heart dropped. He said he knows deep down inside I wish I was with Joey. I remember when a friend of mine starting dating a…
Felt Like Goodbye
It took me a very long time and a lot of patience, before I finally found the perfect grief-counselor for me. At the time, about 8 months after my husband’s sudden death, I had already sifted through 4 counselors and therapists, one after another after another after another. Each one was either way too expensive, or they didnt “get me” at all, or…
Snow Days
It snowed this weekend in my part of the country. It snows every year here but it always shuts everything down. It’s a good time though. You get stuck in the house until you are brave enough to take the kids out and play in the snow. You play board games and bake cakes. It’s just a family time. It’s always been that way with our family. Joey would…
Here Comes the Sun
The new has been off to a rough start for me. It’s been that way ever since he died, but I think this new year has been heavier than last year even. I think it may very well be true what people say about year 5 being a hard milestone. That’s probably been part of what is going through me… as this will be the year I hit that milestone. I can…
In the Hell
I’m halfway through the 5 year mark since your death, sweet husband. I have been to hell and back, and then back around again, never really actually fully leaving. Its not possible to leave the Hell. Its just not possible. Because the hell, is that you died. You are dead. That will always be the Hell, no matter what I do, who Im…
This Left-behind Love~
What do we do with left behind Love? How do we take what was an active, living Love, in life, And make it matter and make it count… In the after? After the death of that one, your person… The one you slept with and loved with and talked with, who knew you better than anyone, Whose death changed everything…What do you do with the many losses…
2017
Another year as past. It’s hard to believe honestly. I tried my hardest this year to really allow myself to live. I took scary steps that at times made me feel horrible. It was always like I was leaving Joey behind when I did something new or changed something. But the reality is once it was done I felt good, I felt lighter. I know that doing these…
New Years Eve Blues
Tomorrow is New Years Eve. My husband and I never really did anything special on New Years Eve. Before I was married, I never really did anything special on New Years Eve. When I was a lot younger, a teenager, some friends and I went into Boston for First Night, froze our asses off, and stood with the thousands of others to count down to…
The Eyes Say It All~
I was struck, recently, as I perused join requests on a fb group I began a few months ago, for widows who live on the road, or camp. I vet each request to ensure that each woman meets the requirements for our particular group. Within the group, we discuss, not surprisingly, intensely emotional topics around widowhood, and the challenges of…
The second one.
Holidays are always more intense. You notice the absence of your loved one even more. If this is your first Christmas without your spouse I’m truly sorry. If this is your tenth without your spouse I am still just as equally truly sorry. I remember my very First Christmas with Joey. We had been dating a few months and exchanged gifts on Christmas…
A Change in Christmas
So it’s Christmas again (well, Christmas Eve actually as I write this to you). Yet again, I’m here, like we all are, having to deal with it. I would describe my attitude towards Christmas these past 4 years as apathetic at best. The first year, I was terrified, having never before faced a Christmas without him. The entire week leading up to…