The colors of widowhood. I reflect on them sometimes. The colors we wear. The colors we strive to wear personally and the colors social structures put on us, or expect from us. Maybe not so much in words, maybe not consciously, But still there. Black widows are the female spiders that kill their mates after…mating. It is the term used to refer to…
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Routines
Hmmm, what to write about? Yes, it’s another one of those “blank stare” kind of days. I’ve poured my soul into writing here, week in and week out, for almost two years now, and if you’ve followed along, you know that every once in awhile… …there just isn’t anything to say.I could talk about Shelby turning ten, but I did that…
Scars
I have been told several times over the past two years I suffer from PSTD. I have never agreed to this diagnosis. I do not feel worthy of it. When I think of this condition I think of soldiers. People who witnessed horrific events. My tragedy is mine. I can recall very clearly the fire trucks, police and ambulances passing me, heading to him, only…
Dinner with Joey
The day before Joey died we went to a BBQ restaurant I used to work at. It had been ages since we had been in there and was good to see some old faces. That was the last meal we had together. Him, our youngest son, and me. I hate the food there probably from working there for so long but Joey loved it. I was getting ready to go out of the town for…
Signs and Connections on the Rise
Signs have been on the rise lately, which always makes me feel like things in my life might just be aligning. Just today, while on a drive to go explore up in Cleveland, Mike and I saw at least 5 or 6 signs that related to Drew. The first was at a stop sign. The van in front of us – a Ford Aerostar – had a bumper sticker on it that said “I…
To live
Grieving for your soul mate, your partner, the love of your life. Grieving a life lived past, grieving the present moment without them and grieving the loss of a future that will never be lived. The word grief as we know, is not enough to explain it. The pain of grief being unimaginable until it casts itself as a dark ever shadowing cloud in your…
Particles
“Astronomers have found at least seven Earth-sized planets orbiting the same star 40 light-years away, according to a study published Wednesday in the journal Nature. The findings were also announced at a news conference at NASA Headquarters in Washington. This discovery outside of our solar system is rare because the planets have the winning…
Location, Location, Location
I am writing this a little early this week because come Tuesday my world will shift yet again. Anyone keeping track might note I have been in Virginia since mid-December due to family medical issues, but now I must make my way back to Kona to deal with things there. Before that though I will be in Florida for a week because my stepdaughter and…
Ten Years Old
This past Friday was Shelby’s 10th birthday. She’s reached a decade worth of life at this point. I wish she would stop growing up, but at the same time, I am incredibly proud of her, and excited every time she learns something new or changes a little bit. To think of what this little girl has experienced in her 10 years is…
Day trip for the soul
This week we had some downtime and a day off school. So my sister and I took the kids to great wolf lodge for the night. This place holds lots of great and special memories for us as a family. We started going there when my now 7 year old daughter was just a baby. All the kids have been with their dad and have their own memories of being there. …
Imperfect and Growing
I can’t say enough about this whole adventure into counseling the past few weeks. Last week, Mike shared about how our first session went for him, and I’d like to share some feelings of my own about our second session on Friday, and about what I am learning along the way. Firstly, I’ve been in therapy for a good majority of my adult life.
Patterns
It was an interesting 10 days. It was a week and a half of guessing games, assumptions, And jumping to conclusions. (on my part) It was a very emotional 10 days, and it was 10 days I do not wish to repeat again. But it came with a lot of lessons, and things that I probably needed to improve on. This one’s all on me. In this weird version of…