I just got home from a weekend in New York City and I am still vibrating from the energy.When I was married to Mike, it was his energy that vibrated through my being. Now that he is gone, am I just substituting? Maybe. But…before I met him, I remember thriving on the energy of Los Angeles…before that, DC, Georgetown…being around a diverse…
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Owning up to What’s True. No Excuses.
How often does it strike right through you that you maybe, just possibly, will not survive this? This being the loneliness, the grief, the sadness, the confusion, the not knowing, the uncertainty, the anxiety, the desolation of living without your person? At times it hits me that I have now lived 1387 days +21 hours without Chuck. That’s 45 and a…
The Secret Tears
Here’s to the tears we save for our dark bedrooms at night alone. The hours we spend a day remembering our old lives. Here’s to the bravery it takes to fake a smile everyday. Long after everyone has forgot our stories we cannot forget. The scars are too deep. The wounds never heal. It becomes overwhelming at times to be that person that is…
Grieving Language Without Words
Around two weeks before John passed away we went together as a family to look at a new child care, closer to home to enrol my daughter Layla in. At the time she was attending a home childcare that had become like a family to her but they were over half an hour drive away from where we lived and where I work. We had decided to enrol her to begin the…
Desperate, Ugly, Pathetic
I am feeling down about myself. Every now and then I get this way. I absolutely HATE it when I get this way. There is nothing attractive or appealing about being or feeling this way. It is desperate. It’s pathetic. I fall into this place where I am searching and looking to feel pretty again, sexy again, wanted again. At this point, I would settle…
It’s 2 AM. Do I Know Where my Brain is?
When does this change? The missing-ness? Does the emptiness ever fill up? I know that there are no solid answers for my questions but they invade my brain during my days and in the middle of the night. Sleeping with my arms wrapped around a soft pillow, trying to find some comfort in the feel of something, anything, pressed to my body. Does…
Family time for the soul
This week we had some downtime and a day off school. So my sister and I took the kids to great wolf lodge for the night. This place holds lots of great and special memories for us as a family. We started going there when my now 7 year old daughter was just a baby. All the kids have been with their dad and have their own memories of being there. …
Bringing You Closer
A couple of weeks ago, I gave away some of Don’s music things – a VOX amp, (like the one The Beatles used, which I know because my husband told me that ALL THE TIME) an equalizer, sound mixer, and more – to a close family friend who is both a sound engineer/ editor, and musician / drummer. I have always given away things that belonged to Don -…
This Love, this Love, this Love~
Valentine’s Day draws near and I know that many of us anticipate a day filled with reminders of how our person isn’t here with us, and the pain that gets all twisted up with his or her absence. I get it, and I feel it too. My and Chuck’s anniversary is just a few days later. Double whammy in the gut. But, yeah, Valentine’s Day. As…
Life speed bumps
Isn’t weird how it’s always the little things that set you off. Turn you into a crying blob. I remember being very set on leaving every single thing exactly as it was when Joey was here. Nothing was going to change. We were going to preserve life just as we know it. But overtime we realize that this just isn’t a reality. Living completely in the…
The Battlefield With Grief
Beginning with a popular quote, “Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who cry behind closed doors and fight battles that nobody knows about.” Unknown to most, this is a glimpse of my battle. A glimpse of a widow’s battle. I search for him as though he’s just lost somewhere waiting to be found. Late night walks alone on the beach…
Overload
So, my life used to be nothing but grief. The first few days, months, and even years after losing my husband to sudden death, were filled with grief, almost 24/7. I was always in pain, always crying or trying really hard not to cry, always overcome with emotions and overwhelming intense darkness. Every part of my days and my nights were taken over…