I have come to a place where I am terrified of the future. My future. And THE future. The future of where our country is going, the future of the state of things…. On and on and on. I have felt this sense of anxiety and panic and fear, since losing my husband suddenly, over 5 years ago. But now …. It almost feels worse. Lately. …
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The Vastness of the Empty Space~
I wonder at the vastness of this life without him… This life of widowhood. How do I live in such a huge space? How do I locate myself in such a huge space? Where do I go now, with all the questions That have no real answers?What do I do with the emptiness Of that space beside me Where he once stood with a smile and an open heart? What do I do in…
A good week
When I sit down to write I allow myself to be honest and have emotions that I normally hold in come out. That’s no different this week, but I have decided to bring some light this time. I had a normal week four kids, work, and doctors’ appointments. I have my break downs that happen out of nowhere still. The weirdest things will trigger them. I…
Hangover
Remember those Thanksgiving days, when you were a kid, and just after the giant meal was over, Uncle Bill or your dad or Grandpa Joe, or all three or more , would sit in the living room on the couch and recliner chairs, and proceed to unbutton the top button of their pants so they could breathe better? Or that feeling you got after eating ninety…
In the After~
Living in the after My heart in the before My passion in the before Most of me, really, in the before I don’t know how to be In this afterI don’t know how to love life In this after All of me resides in the before Because nothing seems to matter In this after Memories of Love Of being held Lightness of being Instead of this heaviness In this…
Happy 15th Birthday
November 20, 2001 I gave birth to my first child. Four years later Joey came into our lives and welcomed Dominic with open arms. Dominic had Joey longer than any of his biological children. And was always treated as one of his. Over the years there became intention in their relationship. Dominic rebelled against Joey, mainly because he had a father…
Further Away
Do you ever feel like the life that you had, and the person you were with (who died), is just slipping further and further away? Does it ever feel like you’re driving down the road, some long and unknown highway, with no destination or reason, and when you look in your rearview mirror – that life that you knew just gets smaller and smaller? Do…
Stardust Dances and the Universe~
Swirling and dancing back and forth Dipping and swaying in time…Dance me to the End of Love…with Leonard Cohen You’re the Inspiration….with Chicago When I Said I Do…with Clint Black Around the kitchen into the dining room In the backyard under the canopy With the flowers bright around us Under a full moon with the dark skies around us and…
To my kids, I’m sorry
Some weeks are just harder than others. Some weeks everything just weighs on me more. This was one of those weeks. I love my kids with everything I have. I honestly don’t think I would of gotten through any of this without them. They have always been my reason for living. For pushing forward, for fighting through the grief and never going off the…
A Slice of Hope
So, what Im about to write here today may, on the surface, seem to have nothing at all to do with grief or with being widowed – and maybe it doesnt, but it also does. This election and everything surrounding it, has affected me in ways I cannot even describe. It has brought back the intense grief of losing my husband, and I did not expect those…
My Brain in Short Sentences~
I Am So tired. Living Without him Is exhausting In Every way.I work Hard Every day To create a New life And it takes Every damn bit of Energy to Do that because Really (shhh, it’s a secret) I don’t Give a damn about Creating A new life Without him But I’m supposed to Care and I have to support myself So…. I do what I need To do but Honestly…