A couple of weeks ago, I gave away some of Don’s music things – a VOX amp, (like the one The Beatles used, which I know because my husband told me that ALL THE TIME) an equalizer, sound mixer, and more – to a close family friend who is both a sound engineer/ editor, and musician / drummer. I have always given away things that belonged to Don -…
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This Love, this Love, this Love~
Valentine’s Day draws near and I know that many of us anticipate a day filled with reminders of how our person isn’t here with us, and the pain that gets all twisted up with his or her absence. I get it, and I feel it too. My and Chuck’s anniversary is just a few days later. Double whammy in the gut. But, yeah, Valentine’s Day. As…
Life speed bumps
Isn’t weird how it’s always the little things that set you off. Turn you into a crying blob. I remember being very set on leaving every single thing exactly as it was when Joey was here. Nothing was going to change. We were going to preserve life just as we know it. But overtime we realize that this just isn’t a reality. Living completely in the…
The Battlefield With Grief
Beginning with a popular quote, “Sometimes the strongest people are the ones who cry behind closed doors and fight battles that nobody knows about.” Unknown to most, this is a glimpse of my battle. A glimpse of a widow’s battle. I search for him as though he’s just lost somewhere waiting to be found. Late night walks alone on the beach…
Overload
So, my life used to be nothing but grief. The first few days, months, and even years after losing my husband to sudden death, were filled with grief, almost 24/7. I was always in pain, always crying or trying really hard not to cry, always overcome with emotions and overwhelming intense darkness. Every part of my days and my nights were taken over…
Unbecoming Me~
Much of our adult lives are about unbecoming. Widowhood is very much about unbecoming. And, like any struggle to unbecome, it can be torturous. It is torturous. For me, at least. For many of us, I’m sure. But…unbecoming. I recognize that I must unbecome who I was. I was Chuck D’s wife. And oh, how I loved being his wife! Unbecoming…
Runner Up
It finally happen, he said it. I have been seeing someone for 5 months now. And we are happy. He makes me happy. And is good to me and the kids. And after 5 months he said it. He will always feel like second place. My heart dropped. He said he knows deep down inside I wish I was with Joey. I remember when a friend of mine starting dating a…
Felt Like Goodbye
It took me a very long time and a lot of patience, before I finally found the perfect grief-counselor for me. At the time, about 8 months after my husband’s sudden death, I had already sifted through 4 counselors and therapists, one after another after another after another. Each one was either way too expensive, or they didnt “get me” at all, or…
Snow Days
It snowed this weekend in my part of the country. It snows every year here but it always shuts everything down. It’s a good time though. You get stuck in the house until you are brave enough to take the kids out and play in the snow. You play board games and bake cakes. It’s just a family time. It’s always been that way with our family. Joey would…
Here Comes the Sun
The new has been off to a rough start for me. It’s been that way ever since he died, but I think this new year has been heavier than last year even. I think it may very well be true what people say about year 5 being a hard milestone. That’s probably been part of what is going through me… as this will be the year I hit that milestone. I can…
In the Hell
I’m halfway through the 5 year mark since your death, sweet husband. I have been to hell and back, and then back around again, never really actually fully leaving. Its not possible to leave the Hell. Its just not possible. Because the hell, is that you died. You are dead. That will always be the Hell, no matter what I do, who Im…
This Left-behind Love~
What do we do with left behind Love? How do we take what was an active, living Love, in life, And make it matter and make it count… In the after? After the death of that one, your person… The one you slept with and loved with and talked with, who knew you better than anyone, Whose death changed everything…What do you do with the many losses…