Sometimes we have to sit back and do some serious reflecting. I am not by any meanings taking away from anyone’s pain. My pain is mine and it’s real. I’m dealing with the grief still of losing my husband while trying to raise four children. I am dealing with a medical condition that is never going to go away and could possibly wheelchair bound me.
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Things That Haven’t Happened Yet
There are lots of things in my life that haven’t happened yet. Things that are on the verge of happening, hopefully. Things I am patiently, or impatiently, waiting on. Things that still need to marinate. Things that are still in development. Things that haven’t quite been defined. Things that have no guarantee of happening at all. Things…
Widowhood and a Microscope~
It would probably seem torturous to many people. And it is, I suppose. But sometimes I feel so empty, so without Chuck, so numb, so filled with absence, that I seek them out so that I can feel again, right down to my gut, even if the feeling is deep sadness. Them being videos on youtube of military funerals. With the recent anniversary of the…
I’m Tired
I am tired of being brave. I am tired of being strong. I am tired of being a hero and inspiration to everyone around me. You don’t know how I do it? Neither do I. I wish I could break sometimes. I wish I could just stop. I wish I could take option B. But I can’t. I don’t know how to. So I just cry and scream. And wonder why me. But nothing changes.
Because you Died
This week if the first anniversary of Kaiti’s husband John’s death. I am filling in for her this week, and I ask that you send her your virtual love and support as she makes her way through the anniversary of a day that altered her life. Sending much love your way, Kaiti. May John’s love fill your day in unexpectedly beautiful ways. …
Just Today, Not Tomorrow
I have come to a place where I am terrified of the future. My future. And THE future. The future of where our country is going, the future of the state of things…. On and on and on. I have felt this sense of anxiety and panic and fear, since losing my husband suddenly, over 5 years ago. But now …. It almost feels worse. Lately. …
The Vastness of the Empty Space~
I wonder at the vastness of this life without him… This life of widowhood. How do I live in such a huge space? How do I locate myself in such a huge space? Where do I go now, with all the questions That have no real answers?What do I do with the emptiness Of that space beside me Where he once stood with a smile and an open heart? What do I do in…
A good week
When I sit down to write I allow myself to be honest and have emotions that I normally hold in come out. That’s no different this week, but I have decided to bring some light this time. I had a normal week four kids, work, and doctors’ appointments. I have my break downs that happen out of nowhere still. The weirdest things will trigger them. I…
Hangover
Remember those Thanksgiving days, when you were a kid, and just after the giant meal was over, Uncle Bill or your dad or Grandpa Joe, or all three or more , would sit in the living room on the couch and recliner chairs, and proceed to unbutton the top button of their pants so they could breathe better? Or that feeling you got after eating ninety…
In the After~
Living in the after My heart in the before My passion in the before Most of me, really, in the before I don’t know how to be In this afterI don’t know how to love life In this after All of me resides in the before Because nothing seems to matter In this after Memories of Love Of being held Lightness of being Instead of this heaviness In this…
Happy 15th Birthday
November 20, 2001 I gave birth to my first child. Four years later Joey came into our lives and welcomed Dominic with open arms. Dominic had Joey longer than any of his biological children. And was always treated as one of his. Over the years there became intention in their relationship. Dominic rebelled against Joey, mainly because he had a father…