I’m halfway through the 5 year mark since your death, sweet husband.
I have been to hell and back, and then back around again,
never really actually fully leaving.
Its not possible to leave the Hell.
Its just not possible.
Because the hell,
is that you died.
You are dead.
That will always be the Hell,
no matter what I do,
who Im with,
where I am,
whatever.
That is the Hell,
forever,
and it is the nucleus and the center
of all things.
So,
since I cannot escape or run,
from the Hell,
that you are dead forever –
I have to work around it.
Move through it.
Find ways to get along with it.
Some days, some months, some years,
are easier than others.
Some days and years and months,
feel impossible.
The hell of your death
makes me tired.
The more time that goes by,
the more years that pass,
the less people I have,
in my life,
who understand.
The only people who understand,
truly,
are other people who are also
In the Hell,
of their person being dead forever.
We do our best to be there for each other,
and its my honor to do that,
to reach out to anyone
In the Hell,
who needs it.
Anytime.
Anywhere.
Forever.
But,
I miss you most of all,
I need you most of all,
Sweet husband,
when I am churning inside
The Hell.
When the Hell is raging like a storm,
and I call out to you,
and there is no answer.
When I want to collapse into you,
but there are no arms to catch me.
When I cant be strong for one more second,
when I want to turn off the world,
and just be together.
Just be alone,
but Together.
I know in my soul
that I can never be with you,
in that way,
ever again.
And that hurts everyday.
But Im pretty sure,
quite sure, in fact,
that you have sent someone to me,
someone that you approve of and knew,
someone who can maybe catch me
when I want and need
to collapse into them.
When Im tired,
just so tired,
and they are so tired too,
because they are also in
The Hell,
and so we can be tired,
and shut out the world,
and just sit with each other,
and just BE.
Alone,
but together.
Being inside
of The Hell,
is so much more tolerable,
when you can rest your head,
on someone’s shoulder,
or their chest,
and just do nothing,
but breathe,
and breathe Alone,
but Together.
I so miss being your priority.
I miss you checking up on me,
when I don’t feel well.
I miss you saying you miss me,
when we haven’t talked for awhile.
I miss the ease and the comfort I had,
with you.
How everything just fit,
and everything just was.
I miss not having to question,
if you loved me with everything,
inside you.
I just knew.
I miss being your everything.
I miss you being mine.
I miss you being the nucleus,
of my life,
and I miss saying out loud,
and knowing,
“I am your wife.”
Being your widow,
although the saddest,
and most Hellish reality,
keeps me attached to you,
forever.
I am your widow.
Which means I was your wife.
Forever.
And whoever I love,
going forward,
doesn’t erase
or negate that,
it adds to it.
It multiplies it.
Being in love again,
multiplies our love,
and makes it grow
and grow,
forever.
It is the only thing,
perhaps,
that brings you closer.
The only thing,
that brings you
back to me,
in some form,
in some way,
forever.
So i will live,
inside the Hell,
because when I live,
you live too.
And when I am tired,
and when I feel needy,
and want to be comforted,
and loved,
like I do now,
I will talk to you,
even when you don’t answer.
You are still there.
You are always there,
sending me signs,
and people,
and putting love
in my path,
in many different forms.
I will keep paying attention,
and keep knowing,
that the nucleus,
of your death,
will be the center,
always.
But,
a circle has no end.
Nor does love.
So with Love,
I will live inside
the circle,
and watch it,
go round and round,
as life and love,
enter into death,
Alone,
but Together,
Blending and spinning,
and making,
something beautiful.
