Photo by Tim Marshall on Unsplash It is dawning on me that I am an expert in Grief. My own, for sure. But increasingly, that of some others, too. Not in terms of what they are experiencing, and how it feels inside of them. No, never that. But in terms of being able to help them: Differentiate pain […]
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Arriving in Community
Until last Saturday, I had never been to a Camp Widow event. I watched as a team of dedicated, compassionate and talented people created a space for the LGBTQ widowed. Held at the beautiful Los Angeles LGBTQ center, was the first ever event for my subgroup in the widowed population. If you’ve attended an event, […]
Friends
When I became a widower, I was hopelessly lost. My senses went into overdrive and my feelings were so intense and alien to me, I was in a complete state pf panic and a total fog. It felt like I was in a freefall.
The saving grace were the friends and family that showed up for me in that moment.
I Forgot…
In our community, “Grief Math” is common practice. We all do it. We keep track of dates. We mark dates. We “celebrate” dates. We honor our person on certain days. And, daily, we privately attempt rough calculations – in our heads – regarding random dates and their deadness. We complete these elaborate calculations involving […]
I’m Not Ashamed
I had prepared a different post to publish today (not this one), but I changed my mind. Instead, I felt compelled to write about how it feels to arrive at the 18-month mark since Suzanne died. On my personal Facebook page, the memory of what I wrote 1-year ago came up and I posted it—it […]
Grit and Grace
My foundation shifted and collapsed when he died. I buried Mike, but it was me who was buried alive by the wreckage of our dilapidated life. For a long time I thought that maybe if I stood still he’d come for me. I thought he would somehow find me and save me from the ruins of our lost life. Then, after a while, I realized that Mike was…
No more Second Fiddles
A few weeks ago, Mike and I wrote a joint post together about some of the challenges of two widowed people dating. The metaphor that we mentioned, which is a common one, was of being second fiddle… the idea that each of us sometimes feels “second” to the person that came before us in our partner’s lives. It’s a bit unavoidable now and…
A bunch of curse words
So my entire post just disappeared. Just like my life. Just like my husband. Im so incredibly annoyed right now. I wrote a brilliant post. It was off the top of my head. It was called “Rebuild”, and it was this amazing metaphor all about having a house built and how if it took years to build a house and the builders kept making mistakes and then…
Rebuild
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Marinating
There is a space in my heart where that life that I knew now sits. It started somewhere around six or seven years after the loss. That is when the grief began to move from “always active”, to more of a “quiet state”, where it just sort of sits and hangs out, and then every now and then, something happens to awaken it, and Im brought…
Six Degrees of Don Shepherd
There are some days, still, where my late husband Don dies over and over again. Or at least it feels that way. As the years go by, all the things and all the people and all the ways that I am connected to Don Shepherd – they change. they alter. They die. And whenever this happens, it feels sort of like he is dying all over again. …
What Was and What Is
Life is pretty good. Eight and a half years later. I have my struggles. I have my hard days. I have my really, really, really hard days. But I also have good days. And I have really, really good days. I have joy. There was a time I thought there would never be joy. I have love. Beautiful, wonderful, chaotic, messy, complicated,…