I’ve been a recovered alcoholic for 30+ years. Chuck was a recovered alcoholic, also. He died 5 days shy of his 25th sober anniversary. The people who came to his bedside in southern California were some of those he’d sponsored. They presented him with his 25-year coin. Which he didn’t want to take, early, but I persuaded him that he needed…
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Daring to be Vulnerable
When connecting with others who are grieving, we obviously have one big thing in common. A death in our lives. An ending we did not want to come. Then there are other similarities we may find, like sudden loss, or long-term illness, or suicide. Then other similarities still may come… the myriad of “me too”s that arise when we begin to share…
Connection
I miss our connection to one another. When your spouse dies, it feels like you are undergoing an amputation without any anesthetic. Their absence is felt on a Soul level. And, learning to live without them breaks you in places you didn’t know existed. Over time, a natural, graceful interdependence developed between us. Together, we…
A New Grief Project
The other day I was having a chat with a fellow widowed friend, and I shared an idea I had for a project about grief. As we discussed, the energy started to build around it. We began imagining this powerful version of it displayed in hospitals, galleries, or a book. The more we talked, the more clearly I could envision this idea. And I don’t…
Thanks Death, You Rock!
Mike’s hilarious post this past week really reminded me just how important humor is in dealing with this life. Or really any struggles in life. Sometimes I’m guilty of losing my funny, sarcastic, smart ass self. I’m definitely guilty of not showing that side of myself to very many people. But I can still recall some recent awesome moments of dark…
A Normal Day
Sometimes, I long for a normal day. I no longer have normal days. I no longer have what most people would consider to be a normal day. Today, I woke up, and went to my 2x per week physical therapy appointment for my arthritis and bone spurs in my neck, resulting from hours and weeks and months and years of sitting and typing furiously, this…
To Forget the Sound of Fear
I woke up to the most horrible dream about a week ago. Only the second worst kind of dream to have behind the dream of reliving my fiance’s death. My new partner, Mike, had been in an accident, and just like before… I got the phone call that changed everything. Just like before, the dizzying sensation of shock slammed into me, and picked me up…
Just Like That
Next month will be 7 years since my beautiful husband Don went to work one morning, and never came home. Life has been life. Ups and downs. Years of therapy, grief counseling, writing, healing, processing, finding my tribe, finding myself, re-creating myself, and here we are. I am okay. Some days, I am better than okay. I am filled with purpose and…
Traffic Drives
I do quite a bit of driving now. David lives about 45 minutes from my house and my work is about 45 minutes from my house the other way. Most of my friends, my sister, and my parents are also about half an hour away. So I spend quite a bit of time on the road. I don’t mind; it’s “me” time. However, spending so much time driving I also very…
I Live for Love
Most weeks, when I write my Wednesday contribution, I have little to no idea of what I might write. What I need to write. I think, as I start, okay, I’m going to write about this, and I open the document and my fingers still over the keyboard because, nope, that’s not what I need to write about. I allow my mind to go blank. I turn on what I…
Your Death, My Amnesia
You exist in my world in all the ways you existed when you breathed the air that I breathed. And none of them. Your image is finally strong again in my mind and heart. I didn’t remember it for almost 5 years. I didn’t feel you. I didn’t see you. You disappeared from me that night you took your last breath. The night I took my last breath, in…
Single Seat
My son graduated on Friday. It was a good day. His graduation is not about grief. But, just like everything in my life, his graduation got me thinking about Mike. And, I feel incredibly guilty because not everything has to do with Mike. Except that it does – for me. I purposefully avoided social media this weekend because I didn’t want…