I am a man of many flaws, one filled with an array of imperfections. In some eyes, I shouldn’t be standing yet here I am. Doing so. I thought about Linzi. About how much she wanted to be a mother to that beautiful little girl asleep in the other room as I write this. I thought about what she would’ve wanted for her. I thought about all…
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Triggers and Chicks
I mentioned a few weeks ago that my class at school had chicken eggs that we were hatching. We were all so excited. Well, last Wednesday they hatched. So we had six cute little chicks. Then on Monday one died. Cue the crying and upsetness. How was I supposed to know a chick dying was going to a trigger for me? It’s a chicken! I’m not even a…
Bad Things Happening to Other People
Bad things use to be the things that happened to other people. I watched from a distance and thought that it is so unfortunate and poor them. I felt bad for them but I didn’t feel them. I had a sense of pity but I wasn’t empathetic. I wasn’t trying to be cold and I didn’t even think I was doing anything wrong. I just had a distance. It…
Detachment
I’ve never been so detached as I am currently. Since Linzi’s left, the landscape of the dating world and my approach to it has endured a complete facelift. I’m not sure quite yet if that’s a good or bad thing. Right now, I’m only thinking of myself. Casual sex has never been a concept to me. It is now. I’ve always been…
Mike’s Birthday
April 6. Tomorrow. It’s Mike’s birthday. It would have been his 30th birthday. Instead, it is his 2nd birthday without him here. How is that possible? How is he not here to celebrate turning 30? Nevermind celebrating, how is he not here to turn 30 at all? He only lived to be 28 years old. It’s really not fair at all. Turning 30 years old…
AND. Not Or~
We all know the power of words, especially in widowhood. Words stream at us in loving support, with awkwardness, clumsy grace, and, unfortunately, in judgement. We hear these words and phrases and they make us stronger or they make us want to hide. We begin, as time passes, to hide ourselves. To isolate ourselves. We present artificial selves to…
A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
I’ve never kept many friends. My circle has changed from year to year. It changed drastically after Linzi passed away. In that regard, I’ve always considered myself a lone wolf. The main reason being that more often than not they end up letting me down, not coming through on promises, or it could be that I’ve done the same and redemption…
And That’s Why You Don’t Have a Baby
I had a widow moment with the kids in my class yesterday. Before I explain, let me give you the (extended) back story. The kids in my class now know I am a widow. They don’t know it in any personal, heart-wrenching way like people close to me do. They just know the bare facts: I was married and he died. I have always kept my personal life out of…
Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Rum
I sat somberly in an empty hotel room, swirling the rum around the cheap glass, sipping occasionally, all while gazing out onto a view I wasn’t deserving of. Today is only the beginning to a great many things still left for life to lend me. To me, it’s a step squarely somewhere I never pictured myself even a year ago. It’s interesting…
Vacation Reflection
Well, I’m back from vacation. It was really good. I knew it would be. I also knew there would be some tough moments and there were. For starters, on the plane as I sat in the first row with the only TV in the plane directly in front of me the movie “Coco” played. I had been warned by other widows that it was a good but heart wrenching movie…
The Numbers~
Almost 5 years.5 years without you.Don’t ask me how I’ve gone 5 years without you.I don’t know.Sheer grit and determination.And a whole lot of the Love that you left behind for me.It isn’t enough, you know.Having to live on memories of your Love for me.Mine for you.But it has to be. Enough, I mean.24 years with you wasn’t enough.We…
Anxiety: A Poem
I don’t wanna spend my nights with you anymore. I can’t sleep when I sleep with you. But you won’t leave this bed, It should’ve been someone else instead Laying next to me In ignorant bliss and love that never once strayed from the awestruck wonder of its infancy…