He began by saying “I know this wasn’t the way you had planned for this to go…” And he was right of course. I’ve had quite an unexpected Christmas this year, with some very big news to share with you all today. My partner, our Tuesday writer, Mike, proposed to me on Christmas Eve. In front of the tree and all the stockings hanging over the…
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It’s Me
I used to answer my phone and I’d hear him say “Hi Beautiful, it’s me”. I miss those days. I miss when my phone would ring and his voice was on the other end. I miss hearing the man I love telling me it was him. Art: Loui Jover When he was alive, Mike belonged to me and I belonged to him. And, for a short while, everything seemed…
Resting Sad Face
There’s this term that is frequently used called “resting bitch face.” It describes someone whose neutral or resting face looks like they are annoyed or mad. I don’t have that. What I have is resting sad face. I don’t know when it started. Presumably sometime after Mike died since he (or anyone else) had never mentioned it to me…
Condiments
For almost two years, I have kept a small, hand picked assortment of condiments in my freezer. The content of these containers have long expired; but, still, I can not bring myself to throw them out because they are from the recent past – when Mike was alive. These common containers are anything but ordinary. To me, they are stale, sticky, well…
As Long As I Don’t Do This
I’ve been a recovered alcoholic for 30+ years. Chuck was a recovered alcoholic, also. He died 5 days shy of his 25th sober anniversary. The people who came to his bedside in southern California were some of those he’d sponsored. They presented him with his 25-year coin. Which he didn’t want to take, early, but I persuaded him that he needed…
Daring to be Vulnerable
When connecting with others who are grieving, we obviously have one big thing in common. A death in our lives. An ending we did not want to come. Then there are other similarities we may find, like sudden loss, or long-term illness, or suicide. Then other similarities still may come… the myriad of “me too”s that arise when we begin to share…
Connection
I miss our connection to one another. When your spouse dies, it feels like you are undergoing an amputation without any anesthetic. Their absence is felt on a Soul level. And, learning to live without them breaks you in places you didn’t know existed. Over time, a natural, graceful interdependence developed between us. Together, we…
A New Grief Project
The other day I was having a chat with a fellow widowed friend, and I shared an idea I had for a project about grief. As we discussed, the energy started to build around it. We began imagining this powerful version of it displayed in hospitals, galleries, or a book. The more we talked, the more clearly I could envision this idea. And I don’t…
Thanks Death, You Rock!
Mike’s hilarious post this past week really reminded me just how important humor is in dealing with this life. Or really any struggles in life. Sometimes I’m guilty of losing my funny, sarcastic, smart ass self. I’m definitely guilty of not showing that side of myself to very many people. But I can still recall some recent awesome moments of dark…
A Normal Day
Sometimes, I long for a normal day. I no longer have normal days. I no longer have what most people would consider to be a normal day. Today, I woke up, and went to my 2x per week physical therapy appointment for my arthritis and bone spurs in my neck, resulting from hours and weeks and months and years of sitting and typing furiously, this…
To Forget the Sound of Fear
I woke up to the most horrible dream about a week ago. Only the second worst kind of dream to have behind the dream of reliving my fiance’s death. My new partner, Mike, had been in an accident, and just like before… I got the phone call that changed everything. Just like before, the dizzying sensation of shock slammed into me, and picked me up…
Just Like That
Next month will be 7 years since my beautiful husband Don went to work one morning, and never came home. Life has been life. Ups and downs. Years of therapy, grief counseling, writing, healing, processing, finding my tribe, finding myself, re-creating myself, and here we are. I am okay. Some days, I am better than okay. I am filled with purpose and…