I hate my anxiety. I hate that my husband died, while I was asleep, at home, and he had just left for work. I hate that a ringing phone, in the early morning hours, will forever make me panicky, and give me that feeling, of knives sitting in my throat.   I hate that he just disappeared, from my life. He wasn’t sick. He wasn’t ever sick. And then,…

When I started this journey as a young widow I felt extremely alone. I didn’t know anyone anywhere near my age that had been through anything close to what I was experiencing. I didn’t know if what I was feeling was normal or insane. I kept a lot to myself. I started researching books and reading about others’ experiences. That was so very…

Next week is March Break for me. I’m going on a cruise with a good friend. I know, I am fortunate to be able to go on a cruise. I’ll be in the sun and heat and it will be fun. I am excited! I am also not though. It seems that I can’t just experience the normal one emotion of excitement for a trip. That in itself is frustrating. There always…

An interesting question was posted in a widow group earlier today. When was the moment you realized you would survive this?Your person’s death…this new life…I never doubted for a moment that I could and would survive this. From the time Chuck was told that the cancer was everywhere.My fear was that I would indeed and unfortunately survive…

Some days I just lay there.   Or sit there.   Or stand there.   In silence.   I get lost in feeling numb.   Patience was never my strong suit. And it’s a difficult thing to be patient when everything has felt so empty for so long and all you desire is to fill whole again.   I can see that light at the end of the tunnel. It’s a very long…

Its amazing to me, how powerful grief can be. How it can take over. How it can make you feel things you havent felt in years. How it can bring you right back to that day, or those weeks, where you lived in darkness, and where you were just trying to comprehend that the person you married just 4 years ago, was really, actually, truly, dead. Most…

I used to dance with my beloved husband… We danced dreamily, to Clint Black, to Chicago, to Elvis, to whatever tune happened to be playing wherever we were. Oh, how we danced…his right arm around me, my hand clasped in his. At the end of the dance, he’d always dip me back in his arms, and then kiss my hand.I dance still, these 4 years and 10…

Depression is a tricky thing.   You never really know when it will happen. It just creeps up on you. At least, that’s what it did to me this week.   I miss my wife, but that wasn’t the catalyst this time. Or maybe it was. I’m not sure.   All I know is that I was down. For whatever reason. Unmotivated to do anything.   Existing…

There is so much going on in my head right now. Its hard to think straight.  I forgot to write in here last week.  Im a bad, bad widow.  Im so sorry.  I forgot to write because I was away in Maine, with my new love, celebrating our 8 month anniversary, and Valentines Day.  It was my first really good Valentines Day since Don died, 6 years ago.