I’m on the road again. I left Arizona, headed to Arkansas, a few days ago. Or maybe it was a week ago, now. I’m kind of tired after driving some long ass days. Tune up on my car. New tires, brakes on my rig, PinkMagic, fixed. Our daughter was road tripping to Arkansas with me, to see the opera camp where I work for the summer. It’s my second…
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And Yet Another Tragedy
It seems every time I listen to the news there has been another tragedy and more people have died. On Monday a rented van mounted the sidewalk and killed 10 people and injured 15 in Toronto. On purpose. This person literally had no regard for human life. There was no empathy; how scary is that? How can someone be so incredibly detached from people…
Quiet
As the months pass, I am becoming increasingly reserved. I used to be a very social person; but, now, I am not overly interested in interacting with the people around me. I am not compelled to engage in superficial conversations because it distracts me from my own thoughts. My identity was intimately entwined with Mike; therefore, when I…
Fierce Love
I am a man of many flaws, one filled with an array of imperfections. In some eyes, I shouldn’t be standing yet here I am. Doing so. I thought about Linzi. About how much she wanted to be a mother to that beautiful little girl asleep in the other room as I write this. I thought about what she would’ve wanted for her. I thought about all…
Triggers and Chicks
I mentioned a few weeks ago that my class at school had chicken eggs that we were hatching. We were all so excited. Well, last Wednesday they hatched. So we had six cute little chicks. Then on Monday one died. Cue the crying and upsetness. How was I supposed to know a chick dying was going to a trigger for me? It’s a chicken! I’m not even a…
Bad Things Happening to Other People
Bad things use to be the things that happened to other people. I watched from a distance and thought that it is so unfortunate and poor them. I felt bad for them but I didn’t feel them. I had a sense of pity but I wasn’t empathetic. I wasn’t trying to be cold and I didn’t even think I was doing anything wrong. I just had a distance. It…
Detachment
I’ve never been so detached as I am currently. Since Linzi’s left, the landscape of the dating world and my approach to it has endured a complete facelift. I’m not sure quite yet if that’s a good or bad thing. Right now, I’m only thinking of myself. Casual sex has never been a concept to me. It is now. I’ve always been…
Mike’s Birthday
April 6. Tomorrow. It’s Mike’s birthday. It would have been his 30th birthday. Instead, it is his 2nd birthday without him here. How is that possible? How is he not here to celebrate turning 30? Nevermind celebrating, how is he not here to turn 30 at all? He only lived to be 28 years old. It’s really not fair at all. Turning 30 years old…
AND. Not Or~
We all know the power of words, especially in widowhood. Words stream at us in loving support, with awkwardness, clumsy grace, and, unfortunately, in judgement. We hear these words and phrases and they make us stronger or they make us want to hide. We begin, as time passes, to hide ourselves. To isolate ourselves. We present artificial selves to…
A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing
I’ve never kept many friends. My circle has changed from year to year. It changed drastically after Linzi passed away. In that regard, I’ve always considered myself a lone wolf. The main reason being that more often than not they end up letting me down, not coming through on promises, or it could be that I’ve done the same and redemption…
And That’s Why You Don’t Have a Baby
I had a widow moment with the kids in my class yesterday. Before I explain, let me give you the (extended) back story. The kids in my class now know I am a widow. They don’t know it in any personal, heart-wrenching way like people close to me do. They just know the bare facts: I was married and he died. I have always kept my personal life out of…