My rig, PinkMagic. I bought her brand new following Chuck’s death. I had to find a way to continue the life that Chuck and I lived on the road. Emotionally, I just couldn’t bear to do it in the way that he and I did for 4 years; staying at lodging on military bases, and at inexpensive hotels. How tragically sad would it be…a country western…
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Through the Roof
It’s been one of those weeks. My anxiety is through the roof, and Im not sure why. Well, thats not entirely true. I always know why. I’m a sudden death widow. My husband, at age 46, young and healthy and never sick a day in his life (literally – the man called out once from work in all the years I knew him, and it was so he could…
More Powerful Than a 4 Letter Word~
Widow. It’s a loaded word, isn’t it? I use the word in reference to both women and men, or I write the word widow and just add a slash and an er at the end. Because I’m a bottom line type of person, I appreciated best the definition from Thesaurus.com. Noun: woman with dead husband. That definition suits me primarily because it isn’t…
No Contact
This weekend is the first time Mike has gone out backpacking alone with zero service since we met. On previous trips, he has taken a satellite device that’s let him send me messages that he is ok. However, unfortunately it only seemed to work half the time and ended up being more of a headache than a help. So on this trip, we decided to give it a…
Setting Grief Free
Sometimes no matter what you do, the grief wave just hits you. You try, and try, and try with all of your might to not let it happen again for whatever reason you give yourself: You’re supposed to be the strong one. You’ve cried enough, it’s time to stop now. You don’t want to feel this anymore. Love, the real thing, is eternal. …
The Jury Has Made a Decision …
As a widowed person, I sometimes feel as if I’m been convicted of something. Perhaps I did something wrong, and I just dont remember. Being widowed is sort of like having to plead your case, take the Fifth, plead insanity, to a Jury of your “peers”, over and over and over Again. For some reason, when you become widowed, people seem to…
New Year’s Thanksgiving
This woman. Life was the calm and she the storm. Her favorite season. Her favorite holiday. Thanksgiving was her New Year. Thanksgiving was the day she reflected on the last year and told everyone how thankful she was to have made it to see another one. She was thankful she could experience it. She was thankful she survived it. …
Shattered Glass and Dust Motes~
This shattered glass strewn around my feet, under my feet, Glass that was once my leaping joyous joyful heart, Shattered as I shared a last breath with my beloved. Turned into a meat slicer roosting in my chest, Where my heart once beat in rhythm with his. His. Now forever stilled.And mine? Still beating. Somehow, and mysteriously. My heart that…
Present and Accounted For
It’s been a weird week. It seldom happens to me, not because I think I’m invulnerable to feeling weird or down, but mostly because my mind is too consumed in what I’m doing to pay those emotions any attention. My mind is a strong one. That’s not me bragging. It’s just true. But even strong minds have their limits. This…
Irrelevant
This past weekend was Camp Widow Toronto. I went there on a 9 hour car ride from Massachusetts, with me and 3 other people. We had an unforgettable experience. We met new friends, and reunited with old ones. We had moments of healing, and moments of helping heal others. We ate yummy food. We laughed without apology. And cried without shame.
Dreaming On, and Singing this New Life to Me~
I finally had a moment to watch Michele’s keynote address from Toronto this week. As always, it touched me to my bones. It made me stop and consider, in my own life…what dreams did Chuck and I have? Have I continued his dream? Have I dreamed my own dreams? And, as I considered, my hand drifted down to my right leg, where, on the outside…
Reality
I stood completely alone in a crowded room. I do a lot of that these days. I suppose I want to feel something, anything, other than what I was feeling. Life has a tricky way of deciding when it will allow us to feel a certain way or not. Some things I feel can be a conscious choice perpetuated into reality. A small lot, however, rears their…