I am so beyond pissed right now.
I just wrote a great big blog post that took me over an hour to craft and create.
It was perfect.
It was all about all the things that nobody tells you about,
all the things that will happen and that you feel and go through,
when your person dies.
It was fucking perfect.
I clicked SEND.
And it disappeared.
I wont ever in a million years,
remember what I wrote,
or how I worded it,
and now I dont have the energy,
or desire,
to recreate it.
Im annoyed,
and mad,
that I had this great piece,
and now its just gone.
And now I want to cry.
Maybe all I really felt like saying,
right now,
is that nobody told me,
how hard this would be.
How conflicting.
How exhausting it would be to feel joy again.
To love again.
Nobody ever tells you,
about how the love you feel,
for the person who died,
in some ways,
feels more profound,
than when he was alive.
And how the love you feel,
for the person who is living,
who you have found new love with,
is in some ways,
a more profound version
of Love,
than anything you have ever felt
before.
But the reason it’s so profound,
is because you are living
with the death
of the one you loved,
who died.
Have I lost you yet?
Im not making much sense.
I know this.
Stick with me.
This isnt what I was planning
on writing.
My holidays were beautiful.
And now Im exhausted.
Im having a hard time getting back,
into the real world.
Into life.
Responsibilities.
Reality.
Im in love with a man.
A wonderfully great man.
And I miss my husband,
who is no longer my husband.
I miss him.
Profoundly.
Deeply.
Madly.
And now,
I love this man.
Profoundly.
Deeply.
Madly.
I never could have understood this duality,
until I was inside it.
Nobody told me.
And If I were to tell you,
it might help you.
But probably not.
You have to wade your way,
through your own version
of this shit-storm.
And really,
there is no “other side.”
Just many,
many,
many,
different viewpoints.
Precious,
chaotic,
crazy,
horrific,
cruel,
random,
evil,
wonderful,
beautiful
LIFE.
Fueled by
growing
and feeling
Love.
That is my view.
Now.
Today.
But I had to crawl through
my shit-storm,
to have this view.
Nobody told me.
