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The End is Lurking

Posted on: January 12, 2018 | Posted by: Kelley Lynn

Lately, Ive been feeling some sort of way. 

Tired. 

Spent. 

Sick, but not like flu sick. 

Heart sick. 

Soul sick. 

Something feels off. 

I feel off. 

 

Introspective.

Quiet.

Everything seems like

Slow motion. 

Im not quite sure what this is. 

But I do know what it is. 

Maybe. 

I think this might be my life now. 

This might be “grief, in the aftermath.”

Grief, six years later. 

Grief, mixed with new love. 

It feels heavy somehow.

Like Im suddenly more aware of the constant

existence,

and the knowing, 

of Death. 

The knowing,

that the End is Lurking. 

That people die.

And that more people will die.

More people I love will die.

I will die. 

 

Nobody really talks about the sheer terror,

that comes from knowing,

that one day,

you will die.

You just will cease to exist. 

Why does this thought not horrify people, 

every waking hour?

I often feel crazy,

for thinking about it,

so much,

but I do.

It floods my heart.

I wake up in a cold sweat,

and my body shivers,

with the thought of: 

“One day I wont be here. 

I wont exist. I wont be aware of life.

It will just be over.” 

 

I think that people are so terrified

by this thought, 

that they dont allow themselves

to go there,

or they convince themselves,

that life, 

in some form,

exists after Death. 

I do believe that 

we are energy,

and our energy lives on. 

But what that means,

or feels like,

I dont know. 

What if it feels like nothing?

I wont know.

Or maybe I will. 

Either way,

I think about this sort of thing,

at random times,

and it sits there in my heart.

 

I ache at the thought of Don being dead. 

It pains me that he never gets to have more life. 

How can such a beautiful person, such as him,

just be gone? 

 

Sometimes I just sit in the sadness of it all.

People would think Ive officially lost my mind. 

I dont care.

Death is a part of my daily heart now. 

Some people say death doesnt scare them.

Im not one of those people. 

It fills me with fear.

And sadness.

I am unsure what to do with these thoughts,

other than to just allow them,

to float by. 

Its not something I talk about.

It just lives there,

silently. 

 

And nobody

ever 

knows. 

 

Categories: Uncategorized

About Kelley Lynn

Kelley Lynn is a comedian, actor, TED talk speaker, and author of "My Husband Is Not a Rainbow: the brutally awful, hilarious truth about life, love, grief, and loss." Kelley was widowed at age 39 when her beautiful husband Don left for work one morning and never came home. (sudden heart attack.) Since then, it has been her mission to change the conversations we have surrounding grief and death, and to help those who are sitting in the dark, to find some light again. Kelley is a proud kitty mom to Sammy and Autumn, the 2 rescues that she and Don adopted together. In 2017, Kelley met her next great love story, Nick. They married on New Year's Eve 2020 in a FB LIVE ceremony, and are loving their new home in Westminster, MA.

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