I can’t sleep. I worked the late shift again, my usual schedule these days at the restaurant, so I’m not too surprised. Trying to sleep before one in the morning these days is difficult, when I don’t get home til half past 10 at the earliest. One does need to downshift for a bit after work, regardless of the hours. But this time it’s like…
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Toronto Bound ….
It is now Wednesday evening, late. Close to midnight I guess. By the time you read this, it will be Friday sometime. That is my scheduled time to write each week, so this will be pre-set to publish on that day. I will be in Toronto, Canada, attending and presenting at Camp Widow. There wont be much time to get online or to write blogs. So…
This Particular and Peculiar Sense of Non-being~
There is a particular and peculiar loneliness of the sort that cannot be imagined for its’ overwhelming and enveloping totality, that strikes me when I am in a crowded room with those who are familiar to me, or not. It’s a loneliness whose depth is equal to the surge of desire I would feel as I rose on my tiptoes to meet Chuck’s lips in a…
Melpomene and Thalia
It’s sometimes strange being in new places with people we both knew and loved yet knowing I’m the only one there. I examined the pastel painted walls of my parents’ new home, a reward of long, strenuous years of hard work and determination. It’s just another one of many places, many things Linzi will never be here to witness or…
Life Goes On
Awhile back, pretty early on in my loss, I remember some person responding to my utter turmoil, deep grief, and endless sobbing fits, with this gem: “Well, life goes on!” In that moment, I can recall feeling and thinking several things. A: Fuck you. B: Yeah, no shit. Tell me something I dont already know, you condescending ass. C: How DARE…
Ghost Dancing into Our Forever~
I will sing you to me. As the days and moments and years pass by, I will sing you to me. As I gaze up at the mighty Universe each night, From wherever my pink trailer happens to park, I will sing you to me.As my heart wanders this land, Seeking you, not finding you But wishing desperately to connect with you and to you, Somewhere, anywhere,…
Three Divorces and a Funeral
There’s a phase of grief that is seldom spoken of that I think all of us visit at one point in time or another: annoyance. I hate comparisons. Don’t get me wrong. I understand people’s wont and need to empathize when they hear my story. I do. I know that most of them, for the most part, mean well. I also understand people have…
A Day Like Every Other. Except~
Today was an ordinary day like every other day has been since Chuck died. Except that, today, I finally made a decision that I need to move my body. I need to get stronger. I need to move. I’m 4.5 years since my world incinerated, and every so often I’ve made concentrated attempts at exercising. Honestly, I can always find excuses to not work…
The Undoing of X-Ray Vision
As I sat down this morning to take stock of the week, and search the corners of my mind for what to write about, I realized something kind of surprising, and pretty huge… I’m not tired. Holy crap, what? I’m NOT tired? What’s happening here? I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m ready for a nap by 4pm most days, but I’m not talking about that…
Normal
This is a late entry. By design. I wanted to soak in the entirety of this weekend. For the first time since Linzi had passed…I’d met an entire group of people with whom I shared a very tragic truth: we had, all of us, lost our loves. There I stood, talking grief, talking life. Not crying or feeling nostalgic. Not making attempts to…
A Widow Wedding Anniversary
It has been six years since my husband’s sudden death. Next week, October 27th, is my wedding anniversary. Again. It will be my seventh time going through our wedding anniversary without him here. It will be our “would have been 11 years” anniversary. I don’t feel comfortable saying “it’s our 11 year anniversary.” Because it’s not. …
Unanswered Questions, and Other Stuff~
I guess one of the fallouts of living in the widow hood, is that we end up in our heads way too frequently, asking questions of ourselves, and of life, about life, ruminating on life in general. The inside of my brain is a continual hamster wheel. These are some of the things I wonder, the questions I ask, of myself. Mostly rhetorically, because…