This shattered glass strewn around my feet, under my feet, Glass that was once my leaping joyous joyful heart, Shattered as I shared a last breath with my beloved. Turned into a meat slicer roosting in my chest, Where my heart once beat in rhythm with his. His. Now forever stilled.And mine? Still beating. Somehow, and mysteriously. My heart that…
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Present and Accounted For
It’s been a weird week. It seldom happens to me, not because I think I’m invulnerable to feeling weird or down, but mostly because my mind is too consumed in what I’m doing to pay those emotions any attention. My mind is a strong one. That’s not me bragging. It’s just true. But even strong minds have their limits. This…
Irrelevant
This past weekend was Camp Widow Toronto. I went there on a 9 hour car ride from Massachusetts, with me and 3 other people. We had an unforgettable experience. We met new friends, and reunited with old ones. We had moments of healing, and moments of helping heal others. We ate yummy food. We laughed without apology. And cried without shame.
Dreaming On, and Singing this New Life to Me~
I finally had a moment to watch Michele’s keynote address from Toronto this week. As always, it touched me to my bones. It made me stop and consider, in my own life…what dreams did Chuck and I have? Have I continued his dream? Have I dreamed my own dreams? And, as I considered, my hand drifted down to my right leg, where, on the outside…
Reality
I stood completely alone in a crowded room. I do a lot of that these days. I suppose I want to feel something, anything, other than what I was feeling. Life has a tricky way of deciding when it will allow us to feel a certain way or not. Some things I feel can be a conscious choice perpetuated into reality. A small lot, however, rears their…
The Late Shift
I can’t sleep. I worked the late shift again, my usual schedule these days at the restaurant, so I’m not too surprised. Trying to sleep before one in the morning these days is difficult, when I don’t get home til half past 10 at the earliest. One does need to downshift for a bit after work, regardless of the hours. But this time it’s like…
Toronto Bound ….
It is now Wednesday evening, late. Close to midnight I guess. By the time you read this, it will be Friday sometime. That is my scheduled time to write each week, so this will be pre-set to publish on that day. I will be in Toronto, Canada, attending and presenting at Camp Widow. There wont be much time to get online or to write blogs. So…
This Particular and Peculiar Sense of Non-being~
There is a particular and peculiar loneliness of the sort that cannot be imagined for its’ overwhelming and enveloping totality, that strikes me when I am in a crowded room with those who are familiar to me, or not. It’s a loneliness whose depth is equal to the surge of desire I would feel as I rose on my tiptoes to meet Chuck’s lips in a…
Melpomene and Thalia
It’s sometimes strange being in new places with people we both knew and loved yet knowing I’m the only one there. I examined the pastel painted walls of my parents’ new home, a reward of long, strenuous years of hard work and determination. It’s just another one of many places, many things Linzi will never be here to witness or…
Life Goes On
Awhile back, pretty early on in my loss, I remember some person responding to my utter turmoil, deep grief, and endless sobbing fits, with this gem: “Well, life goes on!” In that moment, I can recall feeling and thinking several things. A: Fuck you. B: Yeah, no shit. Tell me something I dont already know, you condescending ass. C: How DARE…
Ghost Dancing into Our Forever~
I will sing you to me. As the days and moments and years pass by, I will sing you to me. As I gaze up at the mighty Universe each night, From wherever my pink trailer happens to park, I will sing you to me.As my heart wanders this land, Seeking you, not finding you But wishing desperately to connect with you and to you, Somewhere, anywhere,…
Three Divorces and a Funeral
There’s a phase of grief that is seldom spoken of that I think all of us visit at one point in time or another: annoyance. I hate comparisons. Don’t get me wrong. I understand people’s wont and need to empathize when they hear my story. I do. I know that most of them, for the most part, mean well. I also understand people have…