It has been six years since my husband’s sudden death. Next week, October 27th, is my wedding anniversary. Again. It will be my seventh time going through our wedding anniversary without him here. It will be our “would have been 11 years” anniversary. I don’t feel comfortable saying “it’s our 11 year anniversary.” Because it’s not. …
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Unanswered Questions, and Other Stuff~
I guess one of the fallouts of living in the widow hood, is that we end up in our heads way too frequently, asking questions of ourselves, and of life, about life, ruminating on life in general. The inside of my brain is a continual hamster wheel. These are some of the things I wonder, the questions I ask, of myself. Mostly rhetorically, because…
Views from Auschwitz
Part of me is happy Linzi wasn’t here with me in Poland for this trip. Today we visited Auschwitz. It was emotional. It was eye-opening. It was heavy. I don’t think she could’ve handled it emotionally. She was such a compassionate and loving woman. The pictures of the victims made her look extremely healthy by comparison. Auschwitz was…
Word Jumble
Days like today. All is fine. I have not much to say. Birds are singing, sun is bright, autumn has brought her glory. Im not feeling particularly sad. Im in love. Finally. Life is life again, and Im not just existing, anymore. But when I sit here and force myself to think, about what Im going to write about, all the feelings come,…
Nine D’s and a C~
Words. I think about words in this widowed life. How can I, how do I, describe this widow life? What word best describes this widow life? It’s difficult to find that one word, isn’t it, because there are so damn many that apply, to this widow life. Dislocated. Discombobulated (that’s my fave), disoriented, disengaged, disturbed, disconnected,…
Driftwood
I stayed up. I was drained. I was exhausted. But I stayed up. It became my mission of madness. To anyone else, it was just a simple “Happy Birthday” but to Linzi…it signified another year of survival. I wanted to be the first to say it on a night she was perhaps at her lowest, and not just lowest that week…but probably her whole life. …
Moment of Silence for Football Widows ….
Every single year, at this time of the year and until the conclusion of football season in February with the Superbowl, millions of women, and in few cases, men, all over America, suffer alone. Their suffering is so great, that they take their plight to the masses; posting all over social media about how they will once again be a football…
I Get It Now, and I’m Sorry
Lately, I have been finding myself in situations that I have been in before, except this time, Im in the situation as the other person, and the other person is my forever dead husband. The other night, I found myself sitting in his recliner chair, and talking to him in a whisper, which I do from time to time, and I was saying: “I get it now. And…
Yeah, I’m Good With it~
But don’t you want to be happy? Don’t you owe it to your kids to remember you as happy? Life is supposed to be happy. Maybe you’re depressed. Don’t you want to be happy? You’ve heard the same questions and comments. I know you have. Because you’re a widow/er just like me and you are surrounded by similar people. Or, if you’re public…
Happy Anniversary, Ben The Titan
At the time of this writing it is September 24th. Today is my 23rd wedding anniversary. I know that everyone out there reading this post can understand that this is a difficult week for me. I miss Ben beyond measure every single day, but on our anniversary, well, that’s one of the tougher ones. I wrote an anniversary letter to Ben on my…
The Echo
So, I apoligize ahead of time for the sheer laziness of this, but my brain cannot think of even ONE thing to say today, and so I figured a good thing to do would be to re-post a poetry piece that I posted in here a couple of yearss ago. It is ssomething I think will resonate always, that feeling of that empty space where they used to be , and how…
Never Have I Ever~
How about…let’s play a possibly desperate game of Never Have I Ever… Or, conversely, Never Did I Ever… Never have I ever… Felt this level of loneliness and aloneness, no matter where I am, whether I’m surrounded by others, no matter what I’m doing.Never did I ever… Imagine that I would ever, could ever, live without you for 4 years…