Today was an ordinary day like every other day has been since Chuck died. Except that, today, I finally made a decision that I need to move my body. I need to get stronger. I need to move. I’m 4.5 years since my world incinerated, and every so often I’ve made concentrated attempts at exercising.  Honestly, I can always find excuses to not work…

As I sat down this morning to take stock of the week, and search the corners of my mind for what to write about, I realized something kind of surprising, and pretty huge… I’m not tired. Holy crap, what? I’m NOT tired? What’s happening here? I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m ready for a nap by 4pm most days, but I’m not talking about that…

This is a late entry. By design.   I wanted to soak in the entirety of this weekend.   For the first time since Linzi had passed…I’d met an entire group of people with whom I shared a very tragic truth: we had, all of us, lost our loves.   There I stood, talking grief, talking life. Not crying or feeling nostalgic. Not making attempts to…

It has been six years since my husband’s sudden death.  Next week, October 27th, is my wedding anniversary.  Again.  It will be my seventh time going through our wedding anniversary without him here.  It will be our “would have been 11 years” anniversary.  I don’t feel comfortable saying “it’s our 11 year anniversary.”  Because it’s not. …

I guess one of the fallouts of living in the widow hood, is that we end up in our heads way too frequently, asking questions of ourselves, and of life, about life, ruminating on life in general. The inside of my brain is a continual hamster wheel. These are some of the things I wonder, the questions I ask, of myself.  Mostly rhetorically, because…

Part of me is happy Linzi wasn’t here with me in Poland for this trip. Today we visited Auschwitz. It was emotional. It was eye-opening. It was heavy.   I don’t think she could’ve handled it emotionally. She was such a compassionate and loving woman. The pictures of the victims made her look extremely healthy by comparison.   Auschwitz was…

Days like today.  All is fine.  I have not much to say.  Birds are singing, sun is bright,  autumn has brought her glory.  Im not feeling particularly sad. Im in love. Finally.  Life is life again,  and Im not just existing, anymore. But when I sit here and force myself to think,  about what Im going to write about, all the feelings come,…

Words. I think about words in this widowed life. How can I, how do I, describe this widow life? What word best describes this widow life? It’s difficult to find that one word, isn’t it, because there are so damn many that apply, to this widow life. Dislocated. Discombobulated (that’s my fave), disoriented, disengaged, disturbed, disconnected,…

Every single year, at this time of the year and until the conclusion of football season in February with the Superbowl, millions of women, and in few cases, men, all over America, suffer alone. Their suffering is so great, that they take their plight to the masses; posting all over social media about how they will once again be a football…

Lately, I have been finding myself in situations that I have been in before, except this time, Im in the situation as the other person, and the other person is my forever dead husband. The other night, I found myself sitting in his recliner chair, and talking to him in a whisper, which I do from time to time, and I was saying: “I get it now. And…

But don’t you want to be happy? Don’t you owe it to your kids to remember you as happy?  Life is supposed to be happy. Maybe you’re depressed. Don’t you want to be happy? You’ve heard the same questions and comments. I know you have. Because you’re a widow/er just like me and you are surrounded by similar people. Or, if you’re public…