It’s one of those days where my thoughts are everywhere, nowhere, and make no sense.
Just a jumble of strange randomness. The kind of thoughts where you can’t sleep, because you can’t stop thinking. But you don’t really know what on earth you are thinking about.
Everything and nothing. That’s what I’m thinking about.
I miss my husband, who is dead forever. I’m insanely crazy in love with a beautiful man who came into my world almost 3 months ago now. When I see him or hear his voice, smiling happens immediately. And when I DON’T hear his voice or see him or don’t know where he might be, I panic and automatically assume he is dead forever too, and I will lose everything all over again. I don’t know how to control these thoughts. I don’t want these thoughts, but there they are, all the time. I try like hell to suppress them, talk myself out of them, but I know what I know, and my heart knows it always, and there’s no turning back now. I continue forward in love, even though every step is filled with terror.
I miss my husband. I’m not sure why being in love with someone brings out the missing of the person who you love who is dead, but it does. I have been missing him a lot lately, as I love this wonderful new man in my life. I miss my husband and I love this man simultaneously. It’s a strange feeling, and also a normal feeling. MY normal. I don’t know quite how to explain it.
The holidays are coming soon. My birthday is this month. My wedding anniversary is next month. Autumn, my favorite season, is coming. Christmas, my favorite holiday, is on its way slowly. I’m excited about all of it, and at the same exact time, I’m missing the way that my husband used to get excited about MY getting excited about it. And, I’m looking forward to creating new traditions and new memories with this man in my life. Having new things to be joyful about, so I can feel joy alongside my missing.
My thoughts are all jumbled today. Like life. Like widowhood. Always a paradox.
Cruel and beautiful. That’s life I guess. And I don’t want to miss a second of it.
