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Never Have I Ever~

Posted on: September 20, 2017 | Posted by: Alison Miller

How about…let’s play a possibly desperate game of Never Have I Ever…

Or, conversely, Never Did I Ever…

Never have I ever…

Felt this level of loneliness and aloneness, no matter where I am, whether I’m surrounded by others, no matter what I’m doing.

Never did I ever…

Imagine that I would ever, could ever, live without you for 4 years and almost 6 months.

Never have I ever…

Cried so many tears and felt so bereft of my life blood.

Never did I ever…

Imagine that my heart could be so shattered, yet continue to beat steadily.

What the fuck, right?

Never have I ever…

Never did I ever…

And…

Never will I ever…

Stop wishing from my bones out to my skin to the place where I end and the world begins,

For your arms to wrap around me again.

Stop wishing to sink into your embrace.

Close my eyes and imagine your lips upon mine in a sweet and passionate and hard kiss.

Never will I ever…

Stop loving you and speaking of you and remembering you and me and us.

No..never, ever, will I ever…

Not carry you for every fucking second in my blood and my heart and my soul and my 3rd eye and body parts and hold you in all the unseen parts.

Not crave you, not imagine you, not weep for you, not curse your absence, not burn for you.

Never did I ever…

Never have I ever…

Never will I ever..

Ever.

Categories: Uncategorized

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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