You are so far away now. 6 years away. A lifetime away. A moment away. But a moment that is memory rather than feeling. Remembrance.I stare at your picture, At pictures of you and I together, And I look at all the pictures of the years since you left, I almost wonder… Which ones are real? You and I, passionate together, Or me, alone, passionate…
Military Widowed
Living on Kairos Time~
I’m continually searching for new and fascinating podcasts to listen to as I drive my Odyssey of Love. Podcasts by people who think outside the box. Live outside expectations. See beyond what we’ve generally been taught, whether intentionally or culturally. This perception in thinking isn’t new to me; I was raised to read and question and educate…
Not an Identity Crisis~
I don’t want to only be known as a widow. I’m more than that. But I don’t know what I am any longer. I’ve heard and read such words so frequently in these 6 years since Chuck’s death. What and who am I now? Am I single? Am I still married? How do I define myself?Honestly, these are the same questions that most people ask themselves at a certain…
Adding it All Up~
April 21, 2013. 11:21 pm. It all stopped at that moment. He took a quick breath in. So did I. And that was it.And the clock continued ticking. It ticked into today. June 25, 2019. 194,915,716 seconds. 3,248,595 minutes. 54,143 hours. 2,255 days. 322 weeks. 74 months. 6 years. Time is relentless, isn’t it? It continues on, no matter what. Same as…
Thinking, and Overthinking~
What do you think about happiness? The possibility for it, in widowhood, I mean. And has the word changed in meaning for you since the death of your person? Do you even know what it means in this life after?I don’t know what happiness or joy means in this life. It certainly isn’t what it used to be when Chuck was alive. When I felt easy,…
This Uncertain Terrain~
This landscape of widowhood. Of grief. The Alaskan tundra. The Sahara Desert. The Austrailian Outback. Every side road in between cities and towns. This parched landscape of devastation. This existence of one where there was once two. I picture nothingness in the midst of these tundras and deserts. Nothingness under bright blue skies and a sun so…
Numbers Again~
On May 29 I celebrated 10 years of fulltiming on the open road. The first 4 were with my beloved husband, Chuck. The last 6 have been solo. Widowed. Wishing for it to be different, and living it fully, at the same time. Living on the road in my little pink trailer, driving my pink car, this Odyssey of Love, is just what I do, and I don’t give a…
A Thousand Years Ago~
A thousand years ago I leaned down Placed my hands to each side of your sunken cheeks Closed my eyes, As yours were closed, And so very gently kissed your lips that had gone completely white As you took your last breath.A thousand years ago As I kissed your lips, As I’d kissed them thousands of times before This time now, for the last time… My…
Beginning my New Year~
My new year begins each April 21. That’s the date of Chuck’s death. It’s the only new year that carries any meaning for me. What do I care about January 1? April 21 is the day my life incinerated and I was eviscerated. So it stands to reason, at least in my mind, that this is the day where I look back, and, insofar as I’m able, look ahead.I knew,…
Questions. For Myself. For Others~
What does one do, 6 years after being widowed? Where do we stand? What does life mean in the here and now? Does the future finally carry meaning for us? Or is life simply one filled with questions? About ourselves, our lives, the life we lived, the life we have to live in the without…I always feel a vague sense of unease when I tell someone newly…
6 Years of Tired~
This isn’t going to be an upbeat blog. No apologies for that, but fair warning. I don’t have it in me today.Yesterday was 6 years since Chuck died. I wonder why I can’t seem to get wherever it is I’m supposed to get. In this widowed life, I mean. It’s felt, since I was first widowed, like I’ve had to continually strive to be somewhere in the…
6 Years. 6 Centuries~
This Sunday it will be 6 years since Chuck died. Just writing that number leaves me breathless, and not in a good way. Jesus. How can it be 6 years? Though it might as well be 6 centuries. That’s how it feels. So, my thoughts on this fractured time as they meander through my mind…I spent last weekend with our older son and his family, which…