We each define this widowed walk for ourselves, of course. The grief we carry is as individual as a thumb print, we’re told. Which makes sense, of course. For myself, I’ve never used the word lost to describe this grief. Being lost implies to me that I have a destination in mind. An end point. And I don’t.My words to describe this have been…
Military Widowed
What Now?…
This blog is a question for the Universe, I suppose. Because I don’t believe that there is a human alive, who has gone through this widowed life, who would have a ready answer for me. I’ve stood in the middle of nowhere and cast my eyes up into azure blue skies… I’ve stood outside on the darkest of dark nights with no light pollution around and…
Ghostly Conversations~
Your blue eyes are entrancing… You say to me. I love casting my blue eyes across a room and catching your green-eyed glance. You are the Love of my life, Sunshine… You write to me on a card tucked into the flowers you gift me. I shine so brightly for you. You are always in my heart and I love you with all that I am… Your words on a card from…
If I Could~
If I could… These 6 1/2 years later than the day after your death that I never thought I’d survive… I would approach you hesitantly… I would rush into your arms… I would stand in wonder… I would stare disbelievingly at you… I would shake my head back and forth… No. Yes. Of course… It would feel so normal, seeing you standing in…
Wispy Love~
Whispers of you and I Echo in each pulse beat that brings life to my body. Reminders. Memories. Joy. Passion. So much Love. Each remembrance leads me into one room, then another. Each room crafted in the beauty of who we were, When you and I were a we. Shadowed corners that taunt me With your gone-ness. Your missing-ness. My emptiness. How is…
This Confusing Afterlife~
It’s been 6 years and 5 months since Chuck died. I kind of feel like I need to put that identifier in so that anyone who reads this will have a gauge. Except that those newly living this widowed life might look at the time since and then read this blog and shudder. Or shrink back in dismay. Because….really? The confusion lasts that long? And I…
Roads, Places, and Memories~
70. 20. 10. 65. 85. 60. 1. East to west to north to south and back again. The Oregon coast. The road to the Keys. New England. The Southwest. Deep South. Roads and directions and places and, most of all…memories.We…you and I…were everywhere together. I travel to as many places, the same roads as we did. I don’t go to places though. I don’t go…
Movies in my Life~
It seems that my imagination…what goes on in my mind to help me manage this life…has ramped up. Almost any situation I encounter has a counterpart from various movies I’ve watched over the years. The big picture of all of this is me in the middle of a romantic comedy. I’ve always loved watching romcoms. Chuck used to watch them with me.Within…
The Sacred Now~
I went to Chuck, a few days before he died, to have a semi final conversation with him. I hoped that we’d have more conversation, but the cancer was taking over and I knew he didn’t have much longer on this earth. Even writing those words shreds my heart, as if I’m in those last days again. Fucking cancer.What I knew was that I needed to say my…
Whispers~
Whispers of you echo through my years. Echoes now, even more than memories. The passing of Time has dulled the pain, But it has also sullied my memory.There are times that I wonder… Did you exist? Did you wrap your arms around me? Did I lay my head on your chest? Did our life exist? God, I don’t know sometimes, And that causes almost a panic in…
‘Til Always~
Chuck’s death did not break me. I am not broken. My heart shattered when he died. It is shattered still. I feel dislocated. Oftentimes disoriented. Dispossessed. Displaced. Trying to find my footing each day without him. Yes, even six years later. But not broken. I don’t need fixing. I never did. I fully recognize the people who shine a light for…
What Was. What Is~
Your death stripped me down to bone and marrow. It dug my heart out of my body with sharp talons And flung it, bloodied, onto the ground A sharp bladed axe, Such as was used for beheadings in the days of Henry VIII Hacked away at that bloodied heart of mine on the ground. Slicing and dicing it into miniscule pieces.It took effort and…