Widow's Voice

Ghostly Conversations~

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Your blue eyes are entrancing…

You say to me.

I love casting my blue eyes across a room and catching your green-eyed glance.

You are the Love of my life, Sunshine…

You write to me on a card tucked into the flowers you gift me.

I shine so brightly for you.

You are always in my heart and I love you with all that I am…

Your words on a card from many years ago.

And I find that poem in your wallet after you die.

I read it at your memorial service.

The words echo strongly in my heart and keep it beating in this life after.

You are a shining example to me in how you dig in your heels and get on with life no matter the circumstances…

Written from you to me at a time we’re dealing with blending our families.

I read those words again and know that I’ve dug my heels in again, in these years since your death, stubbornly clinging to the Love you left behind for me.

I am so in love with you…

On a piece of scrap paper tucked into our Love notes journal. The paper is wrinkled and the words a bit faded. It was typed a long time ago.

Oh, my dearest D, I am so in Love with you! Still. Always. Even though you’ve been dead for 6 1/2 years. I still love you. I’m still in love with you. What do I do with that now? All this Love and you aren’t here. I hate it. 

You quoted St Thomas Aquinas to me, and I hold onto those words now, as I navigate this life without you, because I know you believed them. God, I hold onto them so tightly…

Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of trouble, attempts what is above it’s strength, pleads no excuse of impossibility. It is therefore able to undertake all things…

This world is not my home. I’m just passing through…

Love is not quieted by the death of a loved one. 

These ragged pieces of paper, yellowed by time, still nestle inside your wallet that rests on my bedside table.

In this life, as I travel the roads alone now, gazing out at vistas that brought such light to my blue eyes and your green ones…I shout my Love for you to the Universe. 

My dearest D, you are my all. Always.

I miss you. 

Your words, your Love for me, are etched into my heart, carried with me every moment.

I love you beyond all that is seen and unseen~

About Alison Miller

My beloved husband Chuck died while we were full timing on the road. We’d rented a condo for our stay in southern CA, and I had to leave 3 weeks after his death. All I knew at that time was that I had to find a way to continue traveling on my own, because settling down without him made me break into a cold sweat. I knew that the only place I’d find any connection to Chuck again was out on the roads we’d been traveling for our last 4 years together. I knew nobody out on the road, I knew grief was a great isolator, and I knew I had to change the way I traveled without him, to make it more emotionally bearable for me. So I bought a new car, had a shade of pink customized for it, bought a tiny trailer and painted the trim in pink, learned how to tow and camp, and set out alone. My anxiety was through the roof, and all I knew to trust was the Love that Chuck left behind for me. I found Soaring Spirits early on, thank god, and the connections I made through SS helped ground me to some extent. I needed to know that other widow/ers were out there in my world, because I felt so disoriented and dislocated. Through Soaring Spirits, as the miles added up, my rig taking me north, south, east and west, I found community. I found sanity…or at least I learned that if I was bat shit crazy, I was in good company, and realizing that ultimately saved my sanity. PinkMagic, my rig, is covered with hundreds of names of loved ones sent to me by my widowed community, and I know it isn’t visible to the naked eye, but I’ll let you in on a secret…she actually illuminates Love as I drive down the many roads in our country, and I can see it through my side view mirror. Love does, indeed, live on~

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