I’m writing this somewhere between Nashville and Louisville, on the big move from Texas to Ohio to be with Mike. We’ve been on the road since yesterday, and while today has been a far better day with more feelings of excitement, I wanted to share the really raw feelings I wrote out yesterday… because this is a very real and painful part of this…
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Grief Timeline
The day Phil died I had no idea what kind of roller coaster ride I was about to board. In many ways I felt I was shuffled onto the first outgoing cart marked “grief,” and told to put my lap belt on low and tight. Maybe I would have managed the twists and turns of the journey better if someone handed me a grief timeline that mapped out the course…
Disappearing
I’m in a state of panic. This happens now and again – one of the frightening realities of sudden and shocking death. Sometimes a few weeks or months will go by with me able to escape the panic and anxiety. Then, just like that, something happens – or doesn’t – and I am shaking back and forth and my skin is on fire and I’m pacing the floors of my…
This Ringing
I’ve noticed this past week how very loud my grief is in relation to all the other bits that make up the person of Stephanie. We all have our memories, milestones, accomplishments, regrets…all the things we did and that happened to us, combined with the sorts of personalities we are, making us the people we are now. But when you have this…
Emotional Yoga and Stressed Out Knees~
Have you ever considered where you hold your grief? The heart, obviously…our soul, most certainly, though it isn’t locate-able in our bodies. Our shoulders that are up around our ears. Hands that clench. Our bodies hold our grief. I ask because I’ve become more and more aware that I’m holding a major amount of my grief in my knees,…
A New Chapter Begins
I’m going to get straight to the point. Tomorrow, I am boarding a plane, flying to Texas, packing Sarah’s possessions, and driving her back north to Ohio. I am incredibly excited, anxious, and happy about this. But, I’m a widower. I have a beautiful 8 year old daughter who has lost her mother. I miss my wife, and I want nothing…
Four Seasons
I have been writing this post for four seasons. For four seasons, I have come here, to the blank page, each week, and tried to find the words to express the ever-changing landscape of my grief. For four seasons I have shared my tiny triumphs, my progress, my setbacks, my worries and anxieties and fears and deepest sorrows. Some weeks, it has…
33 Years in 40 Minutes
It’s Sunday afternoon as I type this, and I’m on a 4 hour layover in Denver on my way back to Texas. I have spent the past 3 days in Portland for a conference on death and dying – where I stood up for the first time and did a presentation about my story with death and how creativity has helped me. What an experience it has been. Almost a year ago…
A Bold Step Forward
Today I took a big step forward into my future with out Dan and bought a house. Even as I type that, oh so casually, I can’t really believe it. It’s not a very big or fancy house, it’s a small, modest home in a quiet suburb with an established, reliable tenant. I plan to rent it out as a long-term investment rather than live in it and…
Always and Never
Today is one of those days that I have no idea what to write about. Not because I have nothing left to say about my husband or us or my grief. That isn’t ever the reason. No. It’s because sometimes, there are literally no words that exist , to properly explain the depths to which I miss him. Sometimes, I just get tired of saying “I miss him.” It…
A Relict Relates
In two days it will be two years and eight months since Mike died. Some days it seems like he’s been gone eternally longer than that…other days it seems like yesterday. Time is a strange thing. The other morning I was doing some organizing and I did what I do occasionally which is to check in a certain box to be sure our wedding rings and…
With Apologies~
I apologize to all of you for this week’s lack of a blog. I’m sooooo sick.Emotions were high and my immune system is low and all the emotions of my son’s graduation from Basic training for the Air Force,combined with a germ I picked up from my daughter, have laid me low. But I haven’t been able to really pay attention to it until now, as I had to…