I can feel my body starving for my husband. It strains outwards, palpable energy reaching outside of myself, only to be left hanging in the void where he used to stand. When I walk anywhere, I find myself keeping my right hand empty, palm open, thinking against all reality that I might feel his hand clasp mine again.What does one do with that…
alison miller
Mission Accomplished
My Odyssey of Love has brought me and my daughter to New Jersey, where my and Chuck’s primary community lives. We’re here for a few weeks, catching up with friends. It’s tough being here; Chuck had his first cancer here and all the treatments and there is so much pain and grief. And there is, also, so much love. It has been my intent since…
Oh Yes, I’m Running
Our younger son asked me recently, in reference to this full-time life on the road that I’m living, if I’m doing this as a way of running away from the pain and grief. It’s a legitimate question and something I’ve pondered over the last 9 months. He and I spoke frankly about the possibility and I was able to reassure him that it isn’t the case. If…
Without-ness
This is what I wonder. And I wonder this even though my career was in grief support and I led groups and replied to this very same wondering from so many people who graced my groups. Will I ever feel engaged in life again? Will I ever find passion for life again? And energy? Will I ever not feel that I am living without him and therefore I just…
By Any Other Name
I’ve had a bit of an odd thought lately, running through my mind. When Chuck proposed to me 24 years ago, I was ecstatic but had a condition. He had to be okay with me keeping my maiden name. I’d taken it back after my divorce and it had taken work on my part in womens’ groups and counseling to win back the me who’d disappeared for the years of…
Simple Words
I don’t really have any words this week. I miss my husband more than any words can convey. The more time passes, the more months go by, the more deeply embedded his absence from my life becomes. If I were to write a full blog this week, it would consist of I miss you, I miss you, I miss you over and over and over again.It would be written to my…
Changes and Things
We all arrive at that time after our loved one dies where we look around and see what remains. What remains of a person who filled our lives in one way or another or so completely that we look at their physical belongings and are struck with disbelief that this is it. The sum of their existence. My husband and I specialized in not being…
Inversions
I felt safe with Chuck. Emotionally. Physically. Every way. I knew that if a situation arose, he could handle it. I felt protected in a way I’d never felt in my first marriage. My well-being was first and foremost in his mind. His military training was in his blood and he’d run through “what if” situations with me so that I could…
Shhhhhhh
Shhhh… You can’t see me. I am an amorphous spirit living within the physical body of the woman I used to be. I’m not really here. The mute button has been activated and what you (the world) sees is a woman who wears a lot of pink, who drives a pink car, towing a pink-trimmed trailer around the country. Perhaps, I think to myself, this pink, my…
Yes You
to those of us left behind standing amidst the ashes that remain atop the skeletons of our lives and ourselves. to those of us left behind who struggle with unseeing eyes blinded by grief and limbs made heavy with exhaustion and shattered souls uncertain about…everything.to those of us left behind who must learn to live in the without and open…
Shadow Boxing~
Caves and shadows and darkness and not being able to see around you. It could be frightening. Or it could be maybe okay.We live in a hurry up culture and we live in a culture where you’re supposed to be happy and positive and everything is feel good. With an occasional momentary break for a worldwide tragedy but life gets very quickly back…
Time. Seriously.
Time carries a different meaning now, since Chuck died. I shuddered the other day when I realized that he’s been dead for 15 months. In our 24 years together, we’ve never been apart this long.15 months. I still don’t remember what it felt like to have him next to me and it still kills me that this is so. I look at pictures and they are…