Maggie died in May 2009. I’ve been writing on Widow’s Voice since April 2011. I don’t write as often as the other bloggers because I guess I’m the quiet one. Yet I hope that my infrequency has been inversely reflected in the intensity of my posts; I’ve been open and honest and shared all that I’ve been working through. My path…
Newly Widowed
Withdrawal
Time is healing me, I suppose, but it’s also taking me further and further away from Dave. Each day that passes is more time without the love, comfort and stability he so freely gave me. As the days pile up, I’m going more and more crazy for the comfort a loving spouse can bring. It’s been so long since he’s told me he loves me, wrapped his arms…
the unhelpful helper
When I first became a widow, I wanted everyone to go away. I did not want to talk, discuss, be comforted, or hear anyone. I found everything overwhelming and the need to communicate with others verbally was not at all on the list of desired actions. I was annoyed by the needs of others. Their want to know I was okay or that the kids were…
How Do You Prepare Someone ….
How Do You Prepare Someone ….for the loss of their spouse? The answer is easy. You can’t. Oh, you can tell them to get their finances in order, to say “I love you” a million times, to make sure their name is on everything from the mortgage to the utility bills, but how can you prepare their heart? It’s impossible.I recently “met” a woman who…
thank you….mostly
I met a recently widowed woman in the doctor’s office the other day. We talked sadly yet conspiratorially. I nodded as she mentioned having trouble trusting herself in public as she was concerned she would either throw up her hands and scream at all the ridiculous and vacuous frivolity that seems to go on in the world unnoticed by ‘normal’ folk or…
Counting
Day 42 I count …the days.I count to remind myself that I have only begun, that I am a newcomer to this kind of grief. I count the days to get me to the next one. Each time I count a day I tell myself that some day, when there are three or four numbers in that count, it will not hurt so deeply.I count the days to remind myself not to expect too…
Whose Name?
Whose name do I put on the school forms for the kids in the space where it says… In Case of Emergency? ——- The 11th day is 6.5 hours from being over. I am not dressed. I did not do my hair. I have not put on my contact lenses. I wear a pair of Uggs, sweatpants, a long john shirt and a fleece. The plumber will just have to deal with it. I…
Grasping at Control
It hasn’t been 48 hours yet. I want to change…. something; move the piano, cut my hair, paint the ceiling, rip everything off the shelves. Sell everything….today! Start over. I want my outside world to relfect my inside turmoil. The calmness that is slipping away, the trepidation, the impending emptiness that slowly lowers its vail and the…
The End Comes
April 12, 2009 Art is back in the hospital.Friday was when it happened. Low white blood cells, he started a fever.Today, Sunday, yes. That is the day today.He has viral menengitis.He’s … no words to describe. They are giving him support (drugs), helping it to leave his body.It could take 24 hours.It could take a week.I would say I am scared,…
Why?
Why: adv. For what purpose, reason, or cause; with what intention, justification, or motiveNow we know there are definitions, but in this case it is three letters that come together to become a word that has a way of haunting those of us who have felt cheated of a lifetime with our soul mates.”Why him?”, “Why me?”,”Why us?”, “Why so young?”, “Why…
why I wear her ring
forgot to mentionwhat happenedwhen i went to the doctor with madeline, a woman sitting next to meon the phone, talking very loudly(to a presumably disinterested party)about nothing.when she hung up, she turned to me(with madeline in a carseat on my lap, anya to my right)and said, “are you wearing your wife’s rings because they don’t fit…
A Life Altered
Still, I am taken back when someone in David’s life has just learned of his death. How could they not have known??! Shouldn’t anyone who had ever come in contact with him during his life have felt the earth pause the moment he passed away? As if the earth should have been altered if he no longer walked upon it. Dramatic, I know. It’s the best…