This weekend marks three years since that terrible day. Three years since I lost my best friend and the love of my life. Suddenly. Without warning. I have also now lived the same amount of time without him as I shared with him… and going forward will mean increasing that gap. I remember dreading this day constantly through the first year. I…
Widowed & Unmarried
My Two Mother’s Day
I have struggled with Mother’s Day all my life. I lost my own mother when I was nine, many of you know. I don’t really remember my father knowing what to do with that day anymore afterwards. We had no other family around to celebrate, and so it just kind of became a non-holiday in our house. I sometimes wish we had continued to make it about her -…
Stumbling Proudly
I’ve been feeling the strains of beginning anew lately. Let’s face it – starting to date someone is always messy. New person, new energy, new triggers and sensitivities. But being widowed makes it even trickier. After almost 3 years without a man by my side… I am a completely different person than who I was with Drew. I am far more independent. I…
Carrying the Grief Ahead
I’ve had little time to think in the past few days. I came down for the weekend to the beach a few hours south of where I live, with a bunch of friends. Like everything in this After Life, even the most ordinary stuff – like a beach trip – has significance and can feel heavy. I woke this morning early to write this – all my friends still dozing…
Complex Joy
I struggle tonight with what to write here. Not because I have no words for my pain… but because lately, I have been… happy. And I am struggling to write about that. Lately, my new life has become one I genuinely love. It may not be the life I had with him – but it is rich and full… and to be completely honest, it is actually far richer and…
Two Versions of Love
I have been thinking a lot lately about something Michele Neff Hernandez, our editor, said in a workshop over a year ago about finding new love. Back then, I was nowhere near wanting new love. But I knew someday I would want it. So I attended this workshop at Camp Widow in Tampa, and listened to what she had to say. The thing I remember most is her…
Into the Unknown
Along with being a writer, many of you know that I’m an artist. You may also know, as I’ve sometimes shared here, that I’ve been working on a photographic series for the past year all about my journey through grief. What began as just a small idea, to take a self portrait every week and share it on my blog, has snowballed into something of a…
Birthdays and Beginnings
Today was my fiance’s birthday. The third year without him here. You always think it’s going to get easier. And you never really have any clue how it’s going to hit you. That’s no mystery to me. I’ve been dealing with the milestone of my mom’s birthday for over 20 years now since she died… and some years are just harder than others, for no real…
Wiping Away the Fears
For two years and nine months now… I have had one of those weird widow “things” that I have done. Or really that I haven’t done. For all of these days, weeks, months, and years… I have not cleaned the bathroom mirror. Not once. The reason for this is simple, and anyone widowed will likely understand. When I shower every morning, I get out and…
Returning with New Eyes
This morning I went for a hike out on the ranch scouting my next location for a photo shoot. I started out at a particular dry creek bed. Parked the truck, walked down a shallow slope and stood a moment taking in the world around me. This was where Drew first taught me how to shoot a gun. Back when I was so terrified of them that my hands would…
Both Feet In
This past week, a friend of mine shared a story with me about a woman she recently met while out shopping for boots at a western store. As they looked through the sale rack, the woman told her how she got through the death of her husband by promising herself a new pair of cowboy boots every time she had to do something hard in relation to her…
Losing my ‘Widginity’
Ok. So. A LOT of things have happened in the past week for me. And just days ago, one of the biggest new firsts happened. One I have wondered about and feared and dreaded for two and a half years. I can’t even believe I’m going to share this… like, PUBLICLY, but it’s part of the journey. So here goes. I spent this past week up in the Alaskan…