I have realized through my recent, brief and unsuccessful foray into the world of widowed dating that I am most definitely not looking for Jeff. It is not that I am measuring how certain men stand up to the man that Jeff was. It’s that I am looking at them through not only my eyes, but Jeff’s as well.Yesterday, as I stood in line at the bank, I…
Widowed Suddenly
more birthday
two saturdays ago, a whole bunch of people came together to celebrate madeline’s first birthday.her actual birthday was on march 24, but this was the first time we could get (almost) everyone together many of our family members flew in (two even drove from the mn) and a lot of madeline’s friends showed up. it was an amazing day for the…
Time in a Bottle ….
I found myself thinking about time recently. About time with Jim. Past time. I thought that I wish I could have bottled up certain times in our life together so that I’d still have them. The bottles would sit up on the shelves along with our photo albums. Any time that I found myself missing him (and when did I not?) I could open up a bottle, take…
Ain’t No Love
Ever since TT and I went to the David Gray concert, I’ve become more consumed in his lyrics and songs. This song is one of them (as it played we both looked at each other like “what is this?! I love it!”)I emailed it to a couple of my widow friends a few weeks back, telling them that the lyrics nailed down my life when I was disillusioned by…
turning tables
I’m sure that every widow/er has done it….Wondered if their spouse would have ‘managed’ had the tables been turned. Pondered over the differences that their loss would have created rather than their spouse’s.Jeff was known for his laughter…Would it have returned? Would he still be sleeping with our little ones tucked up in our bed each night,…
a year
a year? yes. a year. what a difference a year doesn’t make. or does it?march 24 and march 25. one year later. but a year, a year is nothing. it’s a second. no. it’s a minute. or maybe it’s an hour. doesn’t matter. we continue doing what we need to do. every second of every day. but march 26? it’s the same as january 29 or august 5 of…
It’s No Longer the First Thing …..
…. that I think of in the morning. It occurred to me the other day …. that my first thought in the morning is no longer ….. “Jim is dead”. In fact, my first thought now isn’t even about Jim. This realization gives me mixed feelings. I feel happy that grief doesn’t occupy my every thought now. But I also feel sad …… that it doesn’t.I know…
Me and Betsey
I don’t do lawns. There are many jobs I have tackled to prove that I am a strong, capable woman, but lawn mowing has never been one of them. Growing up my brothers mowed the lawn, after I married my husband mowed the lawn, and after he died the lawn took on a life of its own. Because who the heck was going to mow it now??This was a very serious…
What Has Endured
Before my husband Phil died I could have easily created a long list of my personal beliefs. This list would have included ideas about both the tangible and the intangible; broad concepts and specific ideals; God and mortal beings. There would probably even have been a mention of death and eternity…but only in the abstract because my beliefs about…
Sure of You
“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. ‘Pooh?’ he whispered. ‘Yes, Piglet?’ ‘Nothing,’ said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand. ‘I just wanted to be sure of you.’” -A.A. Milne I’d be lying if there weren’t moments where I begged for a sign, dream, feeling that you were here…around.Like a detective I’d search for clues or…
lost and found
I often can’t help but thinking that I have mourned each facet of the loss of my love at least once. Each sad thought, each emotion explored or mulled over for its’ initial contemplation. I feel that often times, I am going over previously pondered thoughts and ruminating. Picking apart and reassembling.When I find a grief spot that I had not…
passport
been sort of dreading this day. have to get madeline a passport for our upcoming trip to the banff.excited that my 3.5 month-old baby will have a passport and will be traveling outside the country. also really excited about the trip, but i’ve found that dealing with government institutions is less than thrilling since liz died. applying for a…