You know the term “It happened for a reason”? I hate it. I have used it myself. But I hate it. It seems to say that everything, good or bad, was supposed to happen to make way for some ‘better’ purpose. It’s sappy and it sucks. It’s almost up there with the “He’s in a better place”.With this rationale, maybe because Jeff died, a cherubic little one…
Widowed Suddenly
struggling
struggling. not sure why. somehow i got to thinking about the notes that liz used to write to me in the blank cards she used to buy.i think i have them all. or at the very least, most of them. can’t look at them yet. can barely stand to think about them. i will never see another. … she would come across them, months, years later (usually while…
Floundering ….
…. in a sea of change. That’s the name of this picture I found on the internet and it describes me perfectly …. this week. I live in a sea of change. Sometimes it’s a peaceful sea, sometimes it’s choppy …. and sometimes it’s so full of storms and waves that it threatens to drown me. Thankfully those times are fewer than they used to be.I feel…
Toasting Alone
Tonight I toasted my youngest son’s confirmation with me, myself, and I. The ceremony was really beautiful, we enjoyed a lively lunch with our family to celebrate, and at the end of the day I felt peaceful and content. So, I popped the cork on a bottle of champagne, and toasted to a joy filled day. As I poured my solo glass of bubbly, I laughed…
Another and Another
With my 3 year angel-versary in the coming weeks, I thought I’d dig back into posts I wrote in the first months.10.26.07Friday, boring as usual. Going through another day trying to make it as bearable as possible. People are people and I am still the same. Sitting in a coffee shop trying to shave off a few more hours in this day to day life of…
before and after
My three year old nephew, Gabe, told my sister, “Uncle Jeff died, but he still has his imagination.” I love this idea. The belief that ‘his imagination’ or mind is still intact brings me huge relief and comfort.What I find interesting is that I am completely willing to believe this to be true. I know that some of my willingness comes from the need…
hawaiian wedding part two
when it was time to get ready for the wedding. i’m of course going tie-less because i still don’t know how to tie one and my wife is no longer here to curse and assist me.we took our seat in the sun and as the bride started walking down the aisle, maddy started to squirm and make some noise. shit. we retreated and i kept one eye on maddy…
I Can’t Compete ….
…. with a memory. Especially a memory that has become gold-lined over the past 2 + years. I’m referring, of course, to my teenagers’ memory of their father.Don’t get me wrong …. he was a great husband (the best I ever had …. ok, so he was the only one I ever had …. whatever). He was a very good father. He was an exceptional man with a…
The View Approaching Five
Every once in awhile I am shocked by the fact that Phil has been dead almost five years. This week I met several new people, and shared a bit of my widow story with each of them. Every time I told someone how long it has been since Phil died a little voice in my head asked, has it really been that long? Believing that 56 months have passed since…
Stamps, Please
While at the post office I needed to buy a bulk amount of stamps for the AWP. I ask the lady if she can show me what designs they have available. She asked me if it was for a wedding or shower, “No,” I replied. She pulls out a Frank Sinatra set, another she had nearby, as well as the Purple Heart stamps. “Do you have anything else patriotic,…
lucky me
“Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.” ~ Dr. Suess After Jeff died, I had this quote printed in vinyl to stick above my bed to remind me just how ‘lucky’ I am.I read it in the hard moments when the kids are in bed, the phone hasn’t rung in two days and my poor-me’s are flowing. It reminds me that I’m lucky. We’re lucky. Every one…
hawaiian wedding part one
on april 16th, i flew to the island of oahu with madeline. we were there to celebrate the wedding of one of liz’s best friends in the whole wide world, maleeda.all of her best friends from college were there. i was honored to be invited, but i anticipated it being a tough trip. we arrived and i was instantly transported back in time. i had been…