early last week a couple of maddy’s toys went missing. a zebra stuffed animal and her baby doll. for a few days she asked me where they’d gone. i had no idea.her stuff goes missing all the time, and i usually find it pretty quickly. i’ve searched everywhere for them. they’re not in any of the usual places (i’m convinced they disappeared at…
Widowed Suddenly
It Only Takes ….
…. a moment. One teeny tiny moment …. to change your world. To destroy your world as you know it. To make you feel as if you will drop dead. Just one moment.I have been trying and trying to upload a picture for the top of this entry, but I’m in a hotel and the computer won’t let me upload pics. So I will do my best to leave the web site so…
the best before date
As a widow, when does our license to actively grieve expire? Is there a time limit to our sadness? An event that signals the end of our foray into melancholy remembering? An experience that renders the act of longing for our spouse void? As I drag myself along this road of the widowed person, I know that I am not done. Almost three years and I…
march.
three years ago, my first march in this house. overwhelmed by circumstances, unaware of what i was in for. liz in her bed at the hospital, madeline still waiting to arrive. the flowers blooming in our yard… grapefruit, lemon and orange blossoms. the yellow flowers on the vine. the jasmine bush and that tree in the back i thought was…
Life is Messy ….
…… I originally wrote this post 4 months after Jim died ….. exactly one month before what would have been our 25th anniversary. What. Would. Have. Been. So very many “what would have beens’ over the past 3 years. Anyway, I was looking through some of my older posts and thought I’d share this one with you.I have heard it said that if you…
The Spot
Phil was on his way to this trail head on the day he died. He left home around five thirty on a summer evening in August, and I got a phone call from a witness of the accident that took his life thirty minutes later. Somehow that trip to get to my husband’s side is burned into my memory in a way that other moments from that time are not.Five years…
I dream of him
I dreamed of him last night. My dreams aren’t too off from the real world. In them I know he is dead. And yet, in this Inception like reality, I still think maybe there is some way his world and mine can merge, if only for a couple of hours in my sleep. In the dream, there was one moment that stood out more than any other.I was walking beside my…
someone to watch over me
Recently, I was told of a widowed father who was married within one year of losing his wife. The story was told with the tones of scandal and betrayal. It was insinuated that if this poor man had truly loved his wife, he wouldn’t have remarried so quickly or ‘easily’. I have heard stories such as this a few times since Jeff died. I have…
slowing down.
i think a lot about how madeline helped get me through those first horrible days/weeks/months, and almost three years later, she’s still doing it.i’d be nowhere without her, still stuck in the moment that happened the day after she was born. without consciously doing so, she has convinced me of the need to slow down and enjoy the little…
This Time ….
…. I chose it. Yep, this time I chose grief. Although, in my defense ….. I really didn’t know I’d be experiencing grief. I thought it might be more cut and dried ….. but considering the amount of tears I’ve shed since Friday, it’s anything but dried. I ended our relationship. We ended our relationship. I instigated the “talk”, but it was…
Happy*
My personal growth, as well as dedication to the American Widow Project, has brought me more healing than I could have ever fathomed. I still attend each event hoping to get as much out of it as a widow who RSVPed, and continuously I am not disappointed. This evening though, I received a call that meant so very much to me.I rarely hear or ask what…
moments like this.
it’s not what any of us (including brooke) would have wished for, but moments like this: give me hope. …