Exhaustion runs through me so thoroughly that I am sure my body now uses it in place of 30% of my blood.I can’t think. Eating feels too strenuous unless I can rip open a bag. And then if I do, what I eat is so tasteless that I end up spitting it out into the garbage. Why bother making the effort to chew that crap. I look haggard, drawn, tight.
Widowed by Illness
The Black Hole
I’m reading a report from a development optometrist Ezra saw last week. It’s a second opinion. I didn’t read the first report. I tried to… but it was too hard. Both reports highlight some of the things Ezra is struggling with in school.It spells out several areas he needs help in, like the need to work with a reading specialist. It tells…
And So It Goes
My son Grayson has been Daniel’s “mini me” since birth, and there are so many things about him that are like his dad that it sometimes takes my breath away. The way he walks, talks, thinks, the look on his face when he gets very excited, his look of intense concentration….the list goes on and on. Every once in a while I see a flicker of me, in…
Wild Crazy Lonely Shame
I’m lonely. For several weeks I have been breathing in loneliness and exhaling it too. It soaks me in its wet, heavy haziness. Every time I look anywhere, there is a couple, together, sharing a joke, a small gentle familiar kiss, a rest of a familiar hand on the small of a back, the lack of space between themand all I can do was sigh. When will…
I’ll Never Make It That Far
I remember talking to Michele about 4 and a half years ago about a widow she had met. The woman in question had been a widow for 5 years and she was in a MUCH different place than we were (we were at about 6 months). I very distinctly remember saying I couldn’t imagine surviving this horrible life for 5 years. I remember thinking in my head that…
Wild Crazy
L, my 13 yr old is taking French. The Spanish classes met at the same time as the Jazz Ensemble and Chamber Orchestra. He plays the cello. And he says “Mom, what would really help me is if we went to France.”And I say, “Ok, wanna go this summer?” This is not a bluff. I have spent the past three weeks deciding where we will live (Chamonix…
A long distance dedication
Tomorrow is 5 years. Impossible to comprehend, but true nonetheless. Today’s blog will be a long distance dedication from Daniel to his friends and family. I think if he’d been given the choice (or if I’d had more time to think of it myself), he’d have had this played at his funeral. Jimmy Buffett – Lovely Cruise Drink it up, this one’s for…
Wise Ass Widow
My Halloween Costume Guess what I am. Art was in my head all day saying, “Babe, don’t say anything. Let them figure it out.” But that is not me. So here’s a hint. I am a certain kind of spider! I am a certain kind of widow!…
Halloween
Halloween…I think as an adult you move past this particular celebration…until you have kids! Since Grayson was old enough to hold his trick or treat bag, Halloween has been one of the more fun holidays of the year. Grayson’s costumes have become gradually more frightening as the years have passed. We’ve moved from pumpkin (4 months) to Wizard…
Fear Not
Pallas is on the phone with my mom. “Well we talk about things like regret. Like if I had to do it over, I would be nicer to my dad.” she explains what they discuss in her kids support group. “Mom” says Langston who is in my doorway. It’s 10:47. I was asleep. “I have a confession. Well it’s not a confession, its….” I pause, while…
One baby step at a time…
Well it has happened. Another year has passed. I survived it. This time last year I was lamenting 40 and how impossible it was that I was alive at 40 while Daniel was forever 35. I still feel that angst…he’s 35 and each year I grow older in spite of it. I remember thinking I couldn’t possibly live another year without him…how is it possible…
The Last Picture
Five years ago today we took the last picture. We were on our way home from Disney and a day away from our first appointment at MD Anderson. Of course we didn’t know it was the last picture…that’s why the happiness in those two faces is real.It’s hard to believe it’s been five years. I can close my eyes and it feels like yesterday. It feels like…