I didn’t mean to. I was only trying to help, to help him, because he missed you so much. He was in your closet. He came out and said, “It doesn’t smell like Daddy anymore.” He looked so sad. He looked so forlorn. So I showed him my secret. Your cap. The one I keep folded up tight, in a Ziplock bag, stashed in my bedside table. …
Widowed by Illness
The Importance of Being Frank
It’s funny how life changes you. I’m sure part of it is just age, but I know lots of people my age who haven’t “turned out” the way I have. What I wonder is: am I really different now, or am I really just getting to know myself?I think my experience of widowhood has made me less tolerant of bullshit. I know it has. Life is too short to beat around…
Emergency
Ever since April 16, 2009 I have struggled with what name to put in the blank space that says “In Case of Emergency”I loathe that blank space. It reminds me no one will love my kids as ferociously, as tenderly, as fully as Art did. It makes me want to go back to bed as if sleep will solve the issue. …
Rose Colored Glasses?
What do you see when you look at this picture? I see love, fun, teamwork, happiness. A couple of years ago this picture, as happy as it is, would have made me sad. I would have seen sadness, loss, something missing. Unexpectedly, I am finally able to see what is there instead of always focusing on what or who is not. It’s huge. It also happened…
Another
I had a conversation yesterday with a widower. He’s three months ahead of me He wanted to meet me after his sister, a friend, showed him my black widow photoIt was a conversation that felt good, connected and real. It was a conversation with laughter and head nodding (which he didn’t see cause we were on the phone.) It was a conversation of…
Better Start Living Right Now
It’s a musical Tuesday. I’ve listened to this song countless times, but today, after a very hectic day at work, the words were almost hammering themselves into my brain – in a good way 🙂 Sometimes a reminder of what’s important and how quickly it all passes is a good thing. Trying to slow down, and stop to smell the roses (and sip a glass of…
Special Cargo – Handle with Care
Like it was yesterday, I remember the night Daniel died and the drive home from the hospital. The drive home to G, who was innocently sleeping, still unaware that life as he knew it had radically altered. I remember talking myself through telling him what had happened. I remember feeling so sick to my stomach and so anxious. I knew that the next…
On A Four Star Floor
I’m sitting on the floor of a four star hotel (paid for with Amex points) I’m crying and I can’t seem to stop.This is not how I wanted this break to go. I wanted it to be about rejuvenation and rest and self-love. Instead it feels, right now, like it’s about not-enoughness and loss and fucking grief. It feels like it’s about transition and…
The Occasional Landmine
So I did a little beginning of the new year organizing: cleaning out old files, sending things to Goodwill. I opened a box I apparently hadn’t opened since it had been packed in 2007. The box contained some of Daniel’s books, all of the condolence cards I received after the funeral, and his LiveStrong notebook. The books were mostly financial in…
Death Sucks
I was wearing this t-shirt the other day. It was a “you think your life is bad, I dare you to try mine” day. I was feeling righteous. I was feeling mad. I was feeling “How dare you world go on and leave me here, in this life, struggling today to just do enough. How dare you!”I was willing to take it out on any poor sap who dared comment about death…
Waves for the Little Ones
One night last week G and I snuggled up on the couch for a little mid-holiday chaos downtime. We scrolled through the on-demand movie selections and settled on Nanny McPhee Returns. The original movie was really cute so we were looking forward to it.The setting of this movie is WWII England. The story consists of a mom and three kids struggling to…
Happy Different New Year
It happened. I actually made it through a holiday without being bitter. Now let me be clear, it doesn’t mean I didn’t feel sad or have the streaming video of memories run through my brain at different times, but it wasn’t bitter. For the first time in 6 holiday seasons, I didn’t have flashes of envy and moments of evil thoughts towards families and…