Not sure where to begin. It’s definitely a time of reflection. Tomorrow, Tuesday, will be two years. What is appropriate for a two year anniversary? The first year is paper. Last year at this time I was …wait a minute. Don’t you usually ‘celebrate’ anniversaries? Seems like the two words, anniversary and celebration, go hand in hand.Yesterday for…
Widowed by Illness
9-11
9-11, 9-11, 9-11, 9-11 It’s everywhere. I, like the rest of the country I suspect, am afraid to write the wrong thing, aware that I do not know what it’s like…And that is where I stop myself. I do know what it’s like.I do know what it feels like in the dark hollowness that filled the first months. I do know the effort it takes to place…
Breaking the News
I find I’m still reflecting on my experiences from Widow Camp. In those few short days I feel like I moved forward leaps and bounds down the healing path simply by being surrounded by others who share similar past experiences. The friendships I made there still stand and the conversations haven’t stopped. The reward has been well beyond the…
Sitting
I struggle to find something of substance to talk about. Each Sunday comes around, and the awareness that my post is due by midnight is always on my mind. Usually there is something that I have been mulling over throughout the day, or something that has been with me throughout the week, that quickly becomes my post. Today I just feel empty.I’m not…
Clean, Fresh Landing
We’re moving. September 16 the packers come. September 17 they take it all and move it to our new digs. I’ve been clearing out, getting rid of stuff, And bumping into him.On Thursday, the kids and I emptied out his closet. He had his own closet. It was such a tiny thing for such a big man. (6’6″) At four months, I got rid of all the clothes…
Another Ugly Four Letter Word
Everyone: Carl. Carl: Everyone. So there, now you’ve met. The last few weeks have been full of big changes for us. We’ve bought a new home, he moved into my house for a few weeks during the remodel of the new house, and now we’ve moved into our house together. The wedding is still a few months away, but well into the planning stages. Holy cow we…
Sick, Clothes and Backwards
The last two days I’ve been sick. Fever. I found myself lying in my bed, the wrong way. Backwards (head where my feet usually are, feet where my head usually is) The fever is making me feel backwards. I’m preparing to move from the house the kids, Art and I have been in for 6 years. (Huh. The kids and I have been here for six, Art only 4.)…
Cliff Diving
Lately I’ve been taking some risks with my emotions. I don’t know if I’m feeling stronger, or that I am learning that memories can begin to heal me. For the longest time I didn’t look back to any of my prior writings. I put pictures and albums away, and have yet to unpack them from my move last year. Yet, in the last week I have begun opening some…
Not Alone
There was a real chance that Maggie would have died that first night we were in the hospital back on January 6, 2007. Despite our dreams, our plans, our love and our forever-together commitment, I’d truly be alone. As she slept soundly in a cozy, drug-induced haze, I felt like it was me against all the evil in the world… and the evil was…
Why I go to Camp….
Each year for the past 8 I have participated in the Relay for Life sponsored by the American Cancer Society. As part of fundraising efforts, we have personal pages telling people why we “relay”. I was thinking yesterday as I was traveling home from Camp Widow about the reasons why I come back each year and continue to work on it in the months in…
I’m happy
I’m gonna come out and say it. I’m happy. I’m a widow and I’m happy.It’s not because of another man either, and I didn’t win the lottery. I didn’t discover extra life insurance money or an extra $20,000 in my savings account. I still haven’t found a new place to live. (If you live in LA, I’m looking for a 3 bdrm, 2 bath on the…
Nine More Days…..
In just 9 more days I get to see some of my favorite people on the planet! A few of them are pictured here. It seems like only yesterday I was packing my suitcase and heading home after an amazing and exhausting weekend of Camp Widow. How can a year have passed already?I remember thinking after last year’s camp that a nice break from all the…