She said “Well, at least you got to say good-bye.” Anger rises in me because I see her comment as one of those my-situation-is-worse-than-yours comments. Anger because she wants to beat me to the bottom, to claim more grief, more anger, more despondency than me.Anger because really? Do we have to have this conversation? I’ve had it before but…
“Our Struggle”
“We’ve all had our struggles…” And that’s when I stop listening. For her to throw the death of my husband, the life that I lead trying (and failing most of the time) to keep my head above water, for her to lump me in with someone’s divorce, or hospital stay or job loss (well….job loss maybe), for her to insinuate that being a young…
Father’s Day, Independence Day
So I was gonna try and ignore Father’s Day. It’s Father’s Day and my kids don’t have one. I was gonna just treat it like every other Sunday only….Well last time I tried to run from one of the “big” days, like his anniversary death date, like his birthday, like random days when his loss seems to be around every corner, I get slammed,…
The Cannonization of Art
This post was prompted by two comments. One by a widow who confessed to me that her husband beat her. She said that she felt so alone because all these widow’s husband’s seemed so perfect and hers was far from it. Two. My oldest son’s conversation with me about his dad. When I asked him what he remembered about a certain situation, he only…
Every Sunday
(Written 2/2011) Every Sunday it happens. I go into my office to print out the grocery list. And find myself on the computer Searching for…… a distraction, a reason, a gift, something that will ease the unease.I read the past week’s posts of the other widows. I look at my emails. I answer the ones that don’t take much out of me. Finally, I…
I Have The Ring
I have The Ring. The one that binds all rings together. I’ve been looking at it lately Playing with it. Putting it on my left hand, where there has been no ring for over a year And it feels…not right anymore. It feels wrong on my left finger because it doesn’t feel like… me.The Ring. The one that binds all rings together. I had Art’s…
A Different Grief
It was a lovely evening. I could feel the exhaustion running all the way into my finger tips and for once I welcomed it. It was 9:30 pm. I checked the clock 7 times to make sure I hadn’t misread it. 9:30 pm and for once all three of my children were in bed and….asleep. A self-congratulatory smirk (accompanied with a sigh of unimaginable relief)…
The Bikini
“Mom look!” She’s not timid. She’s not afraid. She walks into my office in her first bikini. Until this moment she had never worn one, never as a baby, toddler or little girl. Until this moment she only wore board shorts and rash guards. She has never worn one as the daughter of Art.Two weeks after her 11th birthday she asked for one. I waited for…
730 Days
Written on April 15, 2011 729 days and 22 hours ago… we were dancing in his room. We were drinking beer, watching American Idol and eating. I can’t remember what. We were laughing together, his sister, his best childhood friend, my friend and I. And then one of us would look at him, and cry. I tried to forget all of…
Sex, Sensuality and Sadness
Sex. I’ve been thinking about it lately. And I really miss it. I miss the animal-ness of having another sweaty body pressed down against mine, the sounds, the smell. I miss being openly desired, I miss teasing, I miss all the foreplay that comes before. I miss being sexy. I miss being a sensual woman. And I find myself unsure if I even know how…
Ugly and Forgiveness
This is post from March 26, 2010 I’ve been going back to find myself, to ground this experience, to find a way to mark the growth, the good changes and all the challenges I have overcome. I’m been going back to find courage. This is what the post said. ——-“He’s in our thoughts and prayers.” “We are sending a blanket of love.” Those…
The New Road
some where on the I-5 in CA heading south 862 miles 14 hours in the car in two days. Less actually, because we left at 1:00 pm on Friday and got back tonight (Saturday) at 7:00 pm. It started with a casual comment.”Hey, you guys wanna go to Sacramento to the State Championship Basketball games for the boys and the girls varsity teams?” I asked my…