Day 42 I count …the days.I count to remind myself that I have only begun, that I am a newcomer to this kind of grief. I count the days to get me to the next one. Each time I count a day I tell myself that some day, when there are three or four numbers in that count, it will not hurt so deeply.I count the days to remind myself not to expect too…
Take It All
We are all at a standstill. You and me. You poised to help, not knowing what to do.Me, on the other side, wanting help, not knowing what to ask for. Art’s presence has been with me all day. I just stood in my kitchen crying.Pallas looking on, hugging me.”This is so hard.” I said’I miss him too, Mommy.” she said.And I want dinner delivered…
Whose Name?
Whose name do I put on the school forms for the kids in the space where it says… In Case of Emergency? ——- The 11th day is 6.5 hours from being over. I am not dressed. I did not do my hair. I have not put on my contact lenses. I wear a pair of Uggs, sweatpants, a long john shirt and a fleece. The plumber will just have to deal with it. I…
Grasping at Control
It hasn’t been 48 hours yet. I want to change…. something; move the piano, cut my hair, paint the ceiling, rip everything off the shelves. Sell everything….today! Start over. I want my outside world to relfect my inside turmoil. The calmness that is slipping away, the trepidation, the impending emptiness that slowly lowers its vail and the…
The End Comes
April 12, 2009 Art is back in the hospital.Friday was when it happened. Low white blood cells, he started a fever.Today, Sunday, yes. That is the day today.He has viral menengitis.He’s … no words to describe. They are giving him support (drugs), helping it to leave his body.It could take 24 hours.It could take a week.I would say I am scared,…
20 Days Before His Death
I’m not really sure why I’m sharing these vignettes. Maybe so you know me, know him? I think that somehow if you know us, his death will mean something more to you. And if it means something more to you then it will, in a weird way, not be such a loss. Another widow friend of mine calls this Widow Mouth. It’s when a widow shares the whole story of…
50 Days Before His Death
These posts are from February 2009, all within 50 days of his death and my second beginning. February 18, 209 Happy Birthday to Art 58 Days Before His DeathArt’s Birthday Bash February 18, 2009 THANK YOU for making it a great day!!!!!!! Gifts the kids gave Art thought up by themselves! Pallas: A scale, so “Daddy can see how much weight he’s…
Julie Andrews and Starting From The Beginning
Like Matt, I realize I need to start from the beginning. Art and I were married for 14 years. We have three children. On August 24, 2006 he was diagnosed with Large B Cell Lymphoma, Stage IV, primarily in his lungs. He was an athlete. In March 2007 we were told he was in remission. We lived apprehensively at first, always fighting right before he…
When Is He Coming Home?
I want to write away the pain. Sometimes I think that’s why I write. I know that’s why I talk to people, why I spend the energy to explain to them what this process is like. The more I talk the more distance I have from the process. The more distance I have from the process the less like mine it feels. Or the more sense I can try to make of…
8 Strangers
Peace comes tonight in the form of 8 strangers. Mexican and Jewish, white and other, one young with child on the way, one older with a young child, spiritual, long haired, outgoing and quiet, well dressed and unclipped toe nails.We are strangers. We come together and shut the door, shut the unclear, confusing and sometimes mean world on the other…