I hesitated quite a while before I wrote this post. I don’t know why …. I know without a doubt that you “get it”. Actually I do know why. It’s because I don’t want anyone to read this as a “poor me” post, or as an attempt to get sympathy. It’s not that. It’s just …. reality. And I’m ok with it.It should have been me. How many times have you…
Widowed Suddenly
In Awe
I have experienced using the word death, or the word grief, or the word widow and having people physically step away from me. I have been told that since I am young the death of my husband isn’t as large a tragedy as it might be if I were older, since I am sure to remarry. I have been asked whether or not I am “over” my husband. People have looked…
Guilt
I wanted to touch base on guilt, as I believe it has played a role in my grief with Michael’s loss. The guilt that he died and I lived. The guilt of the things he never got to experience that I now have been. The guilt of having eyes to still see this world’s beauty and ears to hear its melodies. The guilt of knowing that he would have handled this…
another 25th
fucking 25th i thought we were going to skip this day? here it is, 25th #3, #3 of a billion yet to come. not awesome.have a shitload of laundry to do after the trip, but it’s been exactly three months since liz died and i can’t stand looking at the washing machine, let alone trying to use it. i don’t remember if i mentioned this before,…
Venting ….
….. I am angry this week. I’m more than angry. (I’d say that I’m pissed but I don’t want to appear un-lady-like.) I’m angry at a certain person and the anger is magnified because he’s not even here to notice or deal with it. Yep, I’m angry with Jim …. who’s been dead for 2 years and 2 months (but who’s counting?).How dare he leave me here to be…
Do You Mind?
Hi honey, It has been such a long time since I have written you a letter. In fact, my eyes are welling up now realizing that I talk to you all the time in my heart but those words are no longer committed to paper. Remember the letters I wrote to you every day for the first year? I spilled my frustrations, feelings, fears, and memories across every…
Do You Have a Lighter?
I’ve been able to reach the life I deserved. Just as stated above. But then the sparks fizzled…went out…as that life slipped through my fingers with fate’s plan. This past weekend though, in the presence of those acquainted with the loss of their love, their soul mates, the sparks reignited, pilot light by pilot light.I am coming to learn to…
good memories
we headed to the pasadena to have dinner with chandra and derek, who were in town from the bay area. decided on a sushi restaurant. it’s an extremely loud place, but madeline was comfortable, quietly surveying the room. i think she remembered the place. i was there with liz (madeline inside), last november, to celebrate a night of feeling okay…
Missing me …..
For the past few weeks I’ve been aware of something: I miss me. Yes, I miss Jim …. still very, very much and still every minute of every day, but I also miss me. The “before Janine”.I liked her. I liked her humor and her sense of fun. I liked that other people thought she was funny and they enjoyed being around her (mostly). I liked that she…
Warning Labels
Since Phil died in August of 2005 I have met thousands of widowed people. That fact astounds me. I speak to a new widowed person daily. Every single day, and I am just one person. And yet I am still surprised by death, both personally and professionally. What? Our loved ones die? Since when? But he was so young! What about the kids left behind? How…
In the Box
So a little story… a story I love to tell 🙂 It was February 12th, 2009, and I decided to do something I had given up after Michael’s passing…create homemade Valentine’s Day cards. Making cards was one of my favorite things and with it being a dismal part of the year, I was secretly hoping it would lift my spirits. Michael used to love…
on my terms
after lunch with liz’s friends stopped at the dry cleaners. the lady behind the counter asked for the name. “logelin” she said, “oh! did she have the baby?” fuck. how did she remember liz?i’m the one who did most of the dry-cleaning runs. “yes, she had the baby.” (i hope she leaves it at that). she said, “how is liz doing?”…