Our family received an amazing, unexpected Christmas gift of a very cool new TV. This weekend we went about shifting, rebuilding, figuring out cable connections, and placing the new gadget in the place of our old big screen. Somehow amidst the chaos, the daunting task of moving the old machine out to the garage ended up happening when the…
Widowed Suddenly
what it is
Talking about being a widow is not something I always do….or want to do. Sometimes I need to talk about it. Express why I am attending a social engagement alone. Assure others that I’m not a ‘cast off’ – that my husband left me because he was physically unable to stay….not because he found me in bed with my tennis instructor.Now and then, I…
holidays.
i dislike them. i always have (and i’m pretty sure i’ve mentioned that here before).but i do these things for maddy, mostly because her mom loved them, and partially because i can remember what it was like to be a kid before high school brought on my cynicism and jaded me beyond repair. anyway, on saturday brooke and i took maddy to see santa…
The “After Me” vs. ….
We all know that we are changed after the death of our spouse. We are changed because of the death of our spouse and everything that follows in its wake. But how am I different now? How is the “After Janine” different from the “Before Janine”? Let me count the ways …..1. I am less naive. I know, really know, that happiness is not…
Sand
I’m just really tired. I’ve sat and thought of something to write about but it eludes me and my lids become heavier. It’s December, the hardest month of every year since Michael was killed, someone very close to me is ill, I have amazing things going on too, and it piles and piles. I have a damn grain of sand in my shoe of life.I think I just need…
the wishlist
My children are aware that Christmas is in 23 days. Already they are making their preparations for the big day. Snow flakes already adore most of the windows in our house, our advent calendar is hanging above the fireplace and letters to Santa are ready to post. After ruminating long and hard over what she would write, my eight year old daughter,…
The Pain Vs. ….
If someone had been able to tell me 27 years ago (and I had believed them) that I would experience Hell on Earth, walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, be a single mother of six kids, and ….. know the pain of being a widow at a young age …… would I have still married Jim? Honestly? Probably not. I mean, wouldn’t hearing that…
If You Weren’t Dead
Over the past five years any time that I have done something that I believe Phil would have either actively disliked (getting a tattoo) or probably didn’t appreciate (leaving his ashes in a locked safe for three years) I have used this phrase, “Well then you shouldn’t have died,” to justify my behavior.This phrase when looked at from another angle…
It Took
It took 3 years to do it. 3 years to put up the Christmas tree. The Christmas season has always been a favorite of mine. Growing up, I remember walking down the stairs to those twinkling lights and the warm sense of joy. I loved the season so much that Michael and I got married on December 23rd.After he died, the season and everything it meant died…
Bitter Sweet ….
…. is the word I use to describe the upcoming Holidays now. Not as sucky as they’ve been (I hope), nor as sweet as they used to be. Jim died exactly one week before Christmas. Three weeks before his birthday.My “death march” begins right before Thanksgiving, as I remember where we were that year, what we were doing, how unsuspecting we all were.
Comfortable
It happened. I’d become comfortable. I’d accepted the fact that I must survive…thrive in this world without my soul mate. It became acceptable. It became something other than a curse. Then it happened. News. News that I was not supposed to deal without him by my side. News that made me want to screw the comfortable and scream for the past. News…
crushing
I have a crush. A sweet, secret, hang-out-with-our-kids-at-the-park, crush.When I see him, my heart does its best impersonation of a two year old having a spastic temper tantrum. I worry when I’m in his vicinity, that I act too eager. Talk too fast. Stare too intently into his kind, blue eyes. Fear that I may spontaneously transform into a giggly…