…… I originally wrote this post 4 months after Jim died ….. exactly one month before what would have been our 25th anniversary. What. Would. Have. Been. So very many “what would have beens’ over the past 3 years. Anyway, I was looking through some of my older posts and thought I’d share this one with you.I have heard it said that if you…
Widowed Parenting
We Scare the Hell Out of People
Widowed people are scary. Who knew? I’ve noticed it in the past 5 years and it took me a while to figure it out. Our tragedy makes people uncomfortable in a way that is hard to describe unless you’ve experienced it. But it’s true. I think it is more than just not knowing what to say to us, or thinking we might cry suddenly. I think we scare…
The Spot
Phil was on his way to this trail head on the day he died. He left home around five thirty on a summer evening in August, and I got a phone call from a witness of the accident that took his life thirty minutes later. Somehow that trip to get to my husband’s side is burned into my memory in a way that other moments from that time are not.Five years…
someone to watch over me
Recently, I was told of a widowed father who was married within one year of losing his wife. The story was told with the tones of scandal and betrayal. It was insinuated that if this poor man had truly loved his wife, he wouldn’t have remarried so quickly or ‘easily’. I have heard stories such as this a few times since Jeff died. I have…
slowing down.
i think a lot about how madeline helped get me through those first horrible days/weeks/months, and almost three years later, she’s still doing it.i’d be nowhere without her, still stuck in the moment that happened the day after she was born. without consciously doing so, she has convinced me of the need to slow down and enjoy the little…
Man Stuff
Funny how time flies. G was 2 months old in this picture with his Dad, and 5 years later he lost his Dad to cancer. Five years with your dad is not enough time. In the 5 years since Daniel died, I’ve tried to be both mom and dad to him…dusting him off when he falls, being sympathetic, being supportive, being harsh when it was needed…it’s tough…
And the Oscar goes to…
No, I’m not watching The Academy Awards. Not that it doesn’t interest me. I used to be one of those people who saw every single film nominated, even the foreign and sometimes documentary. I love film, and I love story telling, but that love, those interests, are part of those things that have dropped by the wayside. Friends and family are still…
Tired
I’m tired of being a widow. I’m tired of bringing the car to the mechanic when the red maintenance light visually screams at me. I’m tired of running out of food and being responsible for getting more. I’m tired of waking up by myself.I’m tired of being solely responsible for: Bringing in all the income Paying all the bills Making sure…
I Signed Up for This?
That’s what my son likes to remind me, usually when he’s gripping a leg and pulling, while his sister is gripping an arm and pulling, and the dog is looking like he’d like to grip something…if only he had thumbs. “…just remember Papa, you signed up for this…” Funny, I don’t remember the widower, single parent, caregiver, dog…
moments like this.
it’s not what any of us (including brooke) would have wished for, but moments like this: give me hope. …
Strength ….
…. or at least the “appearance” of it, is very illusionary, is it not? I wish I had a dollar for every time I heard, or read, someone say, “You’re so strong, Janine. I just don’t know how you do it.” ….. or some variance thereof. I bet you wish you had those dollars, too (not for me hearing it, of course, but for every time YOU heard it).My…
Judging Grief
I’ve frequently thought over the past years that I was doing this whole grief thing wrong. Clearly I wasn’t sad enough, skinny enough, or laying in bed enough. I was also not happy enough, not moving forward quickly enough, and not dating anyone yet. Once I wasn’t so wrapped up in the actual grieving that I couldn’t see anything but my own shoes,…